Trying for hope

The visit to the funeral home and cemetary today was pretty awful. At the funeral home, we had to pick out a casket and flowers, and talk about some of the basics of how the service will work. We then went to the cemetary to pick out a grave site and head stone and discuss the basics of how all that will work. It was terrible. I just couldn't believe we were there planning our son's funeral. And, at each place, when it came to talk about payment, I just couldn't even put down a deposit because that meant that we had accepted that Brady is definitely not going to make it, and I just can't accept that yet. I feel like I still have to have hope for him because it just feels wrong to give up on him while he is still alive. He's my son and giving up on him now is like giving up on someone who is dying of a terminal illness. Sometimes those people beat the odds and miraculously live, at least longer than the doctors estimate, and I have to think that there is a chance that Brady could do that too, even if it is the slightest chance. How do you give up on someone that you love with all your heart? I can't do that to him.

What is difficult is trying to plan for Brady's funeral while still remaining hopeful. I want to spend some time planning for his funeral just in case it does happen because I want to make it so very special for him because he deserves to be memorialized and celebrated the best way we possibly can. But planning for the worst outcome also makes it hard to be hopeful, so I know that my emotions will be on a roller coaster as we make these plans, but I'm okay with that because Brady deserves it. So if you have any ideas on good ways to celebrate him and memorialize him, please let us know what they are.

So, despite the time at the funeral home and cemetary this morning, today was a little better than yesterday. I did break down once this afternoon, but it didn't last too long. I'm trying to stay positive and happy and strong for Brady, so that he doesn't feel any additional stress. I still want to give him the best chance possible. Every one of his movements that I feel is a wonderful gift that puts a huge smile on my face, so I look forward to those every day. He seems to be the most active when I eat, so I look forward to my meals even more than before :)

I want to touch on one more thing that I haven't spoken about enough before. Paul is the best husband and man that I know and I thank God that He put Paul on earth for me every day. He is compassionate, empathic, emotional, and strong. He has been so incredibly strong for me throughout this entire experience, even when he is feeling upset and vulnerable. He has taken care of things when I haven't been able to, and he constantly gives me love and support. He has also been such a wonderful father to Brady, reading to him almost every night and talking to him and kissing him. I could not ask for a better husband, and I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I just hope that I have given him the love and support that he has needed as well, and that I will continue to do so because he deserves it. I love him so much.

Please pray for me and Paul to have the strength and hope we need to get through this, and please pray for Brady that he will continue to be able to fight his condition, despite the negative news we received yesterday. None of us know what God's plan is for Brady, and I do not want to give up and assume that God's plan is to take Brady soon. If that is God's plan, I will accept it, but if not, I want to continue to hope and pray that Brady will make it through this.