I thought I was doing pretty well last week because I didn't really cry much while we were there. I had one big breakdown in the city park downtown when we went to their farmer's market on Tuesday evening and there were kids and pregnant women everywhere - it was just too much for me. I seem to get really upset around kids and pregnant women I don't know, but I'm fine around my friend's kids and pregnant friends, which is such a blessing. I would hate it if I got upset every time I was around my friends' kids or my pregnant friends. But anytime I'm around kids for a long time in public, I get upset. It happened on the plane rides too.
But otherwise, I was feeling pretty good in Sonoma, except for the constant headaches I have had for the past 2 weeks (I think I am clenching my teeth at night because of the strain on my body, mind, and emotions - hopefully that will stop after a little more time of grieving). Since we've been home though, I've been crying more. It's still only 2-3 times a day and it doesn't last very long, but it's definitely more often than in Sonoma. But I think that's good. I don't necessarily think I was repressing my feelings in Sonoma, but I was allowing myself to be distracted, and because I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't allowing myself to get upset. I think it's good for me to face every day life and the things that are going to make me upset, so that I can cry and let out my grief.
Sometimes it feels so unreal that all this happened, and I can't even believe that I used to be pregnant for 6 months and went through labor and birth. And sometimes I feel like I have this hole in my heart that is so empty, I don't know if it will ever fill back in. It's just so bizarre the range of emotions I go through throughout the day. Sometimes I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.
Last night, Paul and I watched "We Are Marshall", which is about the Marshall football team disaster in 1971. It was a very sad movie, and of course it was much sadder for me and Paul because it was all about how the football team (and others) died in a plane crash and how the town grieved afterwards, so we cried a lot. But I think it was good for me because I got to see how many people may grieve in a situation when they have experienced extreme loss. It was nice to see that there are all different types of ways to grieve, and you just have to figure out what works for you at each point in the grieving process.
So I'm just trying to let myself feel whatever I need to feel at each point in the day and let myself cry when I need to. I'm hoping that will eventually get the teeth clenching to stop, so that the headaches go away. On a positive note, my blood pressure is going down (130s/90), and the doctor said as long as I stay below 140/90, I shouldn't need to go on medicine, and that hopefully it will continue to go down over the next few weeks. I'm also exercising again and it feels really good. I am continuing to work on Brady's scrap book and collage photo frame, which I'm going to hang up in our upstairs hallway. We haven't gotten a chance to upload the video of the burial service yet, but I promise we will! Working on all of this really helps too. I really want to get some pictures of Brady up around the house, so that I can look at him each day, and I know that eventually looking at his pictures will bring me joy instead of sadness.