The reason I am struggling is because I'm trying to figure out what the best grieving process is for me. I want to think about Brady each day, but every time I really think about him, I get upset. And I just don't know how much crying I should allow myself to do. The reasons I get upset range from missing Brady so much to also being upset that our dreams of becoming parents have now been delayed for another year. But, as I mentioned before, I promised Brady that I would try to focus on enjoying life and all that we have and not focus on what we don't have, so I get upset with myself for having a pity party that I don't have a baby to take care of yet. But at the same time, I'm upset because I miss Brady, so I should be able to cry about that. It's such a confusing mix of emotions and I have such trouble figuring them out and dealing with them each day. But I think it is getting slightly easier each day, so I'm trying to focus on that positive and hopeful thought.
Another weird situation I encountered this weekend was on Saturday when we did a lot of socializing. Throughout the day, I was drinking, but when I started to feel like I was getting buzzed, I would start drinking water because I really am not ready to be drunk yet and I don't really want to get drunk (or have the resulting hangover). Despite this, I had a really good time with all the friends we spent time with. However, when I went to bed Saturday night, I got really upset because even though I had a lot of fun, I don't really want that kind of life right now because I am so ready to have a baby to take care of, and I really want to take care of Brady. So that was a strange mix of emotions to go through, and I'm trying to just focus on the fact that I had a great time with great friends, and I have a wonderful life and wonderful friends, so I shouldn't be getting so upset.
Every night before bed, I pray and then I talk to Brady, and that always gets me emotional. I also get emotional about 1-2 times during the day. But thankfully, my emotional spells only last for about 10-30 minutes, so I'm spending the majority of the day either happy or at least not upset. Most of the day, I waiver between sad, so-so, and happy, and I never know when the mood is going to change. I guess that is pretty good at this point, since it's only been a week and a half since Brady was born. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long.
Paul has been handling this situation much better than I have, and I think there are 2 reasons for that. Paul is a more realistic person than I am, so when we first got Brady's diagnosis a couple of months ago, Paul grieved a lot and then came to accept the fact that Brady would ultimately not make it. Because I decided to be hopeful instead of accepting, I am now having to go through the acceptance part, and he already did that, so after he had his initial grieving period the week after Brady was born, he is now already in the acceptance stage. The other reason I think it's a little easier for him to move on is because he wasn't pregnant, so he hadn't made changes to his life yet in anticipation of the baby, like I had. Part of what's hard about this situation is that I'm no longer pregnant and I also don't have a baby to take care of. I had already stopped drinking and started going to bed earlier, etc, and now I don't have to change my life anymore, so going back to how we used to live is a big change for me emotionally and mentally.
But I'm so thankful that Paul is so strong because he has been so integral to my healing. He is always here to listen to me and comfort me when I am upset or just need to talk. He doesn't judge me and he is completely supportive of how I need to grieve and heal. I couldn't ask for a better man to share my life with. He is so loving and wonderful, and that helps me with grieving and healing.
We have decided to take a week long vacation (starting next Saturday) to Sonoma Valley with a one day stop in San Francisco. We are looking forward to being able to get away from home, so that we can focus on spending quality time together in a relaxing and beautiful setting and enjoy good food and wine. Getting away from home will really help us to let go of all the stresses that we still feel while at home, so that we can focus on our grieving, healing, and just being together alone.
We want to thank all our neighbors who are cooking dinners for us. I can't tell you how much we appreciate this and how much it is needed. I spend the majority of my days either trying to get the house in order, or planning our much needed vacation, or planning the scrap book I'm going to make for Brady, or grieving. If I had to worry about what to cook for dinner, it would stress me out and just be too much for me to handle emotionally, especially since it's really hard for me to go out to the store these days. We feel so fortunate to have such wonderful friends to take care of us and support us and pray for us.
And we want to thank everyone who sent cards/emails/texts and plants/flowers/other gifts. It is so heartwarming to know that we have so many wonderful people praying for us and supporting us in this difficult time. Your support doesn't lessen the pain of losing Brady, but it really does help us remember how lucky we are and what a wonderful life we have, which helps us focus on being happy, and that is so important to our healing. We love getting your messages that ask how we're doing or that just let us know you're thinking of us, so keep them coming. And we will reach out to you when we are able to. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort for us to reach out, but we will do so when we can.
Take care and God bless you all.