Good news today

This morning I went to UNC hospital to drop off my 24-hour urine sample (by the way, a 24-hour urine test means that I collect my urine in a jug at home for 24 hours and then they test it - super fun :)). I thought they were just going to take my urine and then take my blood pressure and I would be on my way. Boy was I wrong! They put me in a room and hooked me up to the blood pressure machine to take it every 15 minutes. They also took blood to test that for any signs of preeclampsia because my blood pressure was still really high (157/87) and they were unsure if the lab would run my urine analysis because it was the weekend.

I ended up being there for 2 hours waiting for the results, and during that time, my blood pressure was moving around in the high range. At the end, it even got up to 157/102! And I felt like I was relaxed, so I didn't think it was because I was stressed or anxious. So I figured I would definitely have at least mild preeclampsia. But the doctor came in and said that my urine analysis and blood results came back as normal! The protein in my urine was at 208 mg, and the threshold for mild preeclampsia is 300 mg, so I guess it's possible I could eventually develop preeclampsia, but I don't have it yet, so that's really great. My next appointment is this Wednesday morning, during which I assume they will possibly test my blood and urine again if my blood pressure is high just to make sure things haven't progressed negatively. We'll see.

I must admit, when I got the results this morning, I wasn't sure how to feel. I should have been super happy and excited, but honestly I wasn't sure how I felt. Sometimes I feel like I just want some kind of definite result, even if it is negative, so that we aren't constantly in this limbo, unsure of what's going to happen, but then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that because that would mean that it's over for Brady, and that's not good! This limbo and constant yo-yo of emotions and thoughts is really starting to wear on me and Paul. Every time I go to the doctor or get test results, my emotions run wild. It just absolutely sucks. And I feel like I'm getting worse at handling it, maybe because it's been going on for so long now (almost 2 months!) and because I'm now going to the doctor more often, so my emotions are being thrown for a loop more often. And now I'm starting to go to the doctor even more often, so it's only going to get worse!

So all day I've been feeling sorry for myself and having trouble being happy and positive. But I don't want to feel that way! Thankfully, tonight I spoke with a friend and I was giving her some advice, and after I got off the phone with her, I realized that I need to take my own advice. I need to realize that this is just a temporary hardship that Paul, Brady, and I are going through, but we will get through it and end up okay, whatever the outcome may be. If Brady lives, we will be so happy and feel so blessed to have him and take care of him. If he doesn't make it, he will be taken care of because he will be with God, and Paul and I will mourn him and get past the loss and find ways to remember him with happiness instead of sadness. This situation is just temporary and there are so many other things that I need to remember to be thankful for.

So, as I've mentioned before, I am going to continue trying to focus on each day as it comes and recognize the great moments of each day and be thankful for them. I know this won't always be easy, so I will try to go easy on myself when I slip up, but I'm going to try really hard not to let myself get down. The one thing that I still need to figure out is how to set my expectations appropriately for each doctor appointment, so that I'm not so greatly affected by what happens at the appointment. Changing my expectations to expect the worst did not seem to help my reaction to a doctor appointment because today I was expecting the worst and the best outcome actually occurred, and instead of being happy, I was confused and still upset, which sucked! I realized that the only thing that has been constant throughout this situation has been the unexpected. So, here is my new approach. From now on, each day, I will expect to be surprised. I will expect the unexpected. I feel like there are still so many things that could happen that I don't even know about, so I can't expect them, and I don't want to. I don't want to expect the best and be devastated, and I hate trying to expect the worst, so I will just expect the unexpected. Let's hope that works better! I'll let you know on Wednesday :)

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