During this time, my blood pressure kept climbing into the 170s and 180s! I think it even hit 190 at one point. One of the labor & delivery doctors came in and said that this meant I would have to be induced, which I had already figured out. We discussed monitoring Brady during the induction, but because he was so small (under 500 grams), there would be no way to keep him alive even if we did a c-section to try to get him to be born alive. Since we want future children and we didn't want to introduce additional risk to me, we had already decided against a c-section this early in the pregnancy because we knew that Brady wouldn't be able to make it even if he was born alive because there wouldn't even be a tube small enough to fit down his throat. So we decided against monitoring him during labor because I didn't want to know if he had passed anyway. That would have just made it harder to get through the labor process.
They took me to a delivery room and gave me a little lunch, since I was starving, but I ended up not being able to eat much because I was so anxious. After that, they hooked me up to an IV to give me fluids to keep me hydrated and to give me magnesium sulfate (aka mag) to keep me from having seizures during the labor process, since my blood pressure would continue to stay high and possibly go higher during that time. The mag sucks. It makes you feel hot, nauseous, and completely groggy and out of it. They gave me 3 big doses really quickly, which made me really hot, so I had to keep fanning myself with a piece of paper to keep from overheating. After that, I didn't feel too badly, at least at first. After those 3 initial doses, they slowly kept giving me the mag during the entire labor process, so I was always on it. They also gave me something to start the induction process, which they said could take 24-36 hours at least, so I was expecting to be in this for a long while and I was not looking forward it.
Soon after I got those first 3 doses, Paul got to the hospital with all of our stuff (he had to go home from work to get all our stuff before coming to the hospital, so he wasn't able to get there right away). Then we started the waiting game. My blood pressure was being taken every 30 minutes, and it was staying pretty high (150s-160s). Because of the mag, I wasn't really in the mood to play backgammon or watch tv, so we just listened to some soothing music (Enya and Moby) and talked a little bit. Various doctors came to check on me and talk to me about the process, including an anesthesiologist to discuss the epidural, which I definitely wanted (I don't know how people do natural births!). Because I was on mag and could possibly have a seizure, I wasn't allowed to eat, so that sucked (you know how I love to eat and get so ornery when I'm hungry). All I could do was eat ice chips and drink a little water.
Paul was so wonderful through this entire process. He continually got me ice chips or anything else I needed without hesitation. He never complained about anything, even when I would wake him out of sleep to get something for me. He was so incredibly supportive, loving, and appreciative of what I was going through for Brady. I could not ask for a better husband nor a better person to have gone through this with. I can't imagine having to go through this without him. He is my savior.
Originally, they had said that I was going to get doses of the induction medicine every 4 hours (not Pitocin to start the labor, but something else to actually get my cervix to soften and dilate, which normally happens naturally over the course of several weeks in a normal pregnancy, and we were trying to condense that down to a day or so). So I got another pill of that 4 hours after the first one, but then they decided to give me 3 more pills an hour later. I think they had decided to speed up the process because my blood pressure was staying so high and they were concerned for my health. At one point during this time, I started feeling nauseous from the mag, so they gave me some Zofran, which worked great. I also started feeling very crampy and in pain, so they gave me morphine, which was awesome (never had that before, but it worked great!).
Paul's parents and sister got to the hospital around 8:00 or so. My parents were driving down from Ohio because they had been out of town all weekend, so they had a while to go yet. My sister was coming the next morning, since labor was supposed to take so long. Around 9:00, I started feeling a lot of pain, so I asked for my epidural. The anesthesiologist was a little busy with other patients (apparently there were a lot of women giving birth that night), so I had to wait a little while, and I was in agony! That was so incredibly painful. And I wasn't even dilated yet! But I guess it was because I had so much of that medicine that was trying to dilate me.
Finally the anesthesiologist came in and I got the epidural. It was so awesome. I finally felt so much better; although, I was still pretty hot from the mag, so I was freezing every out because I got them to turn down the room temperature so much. But they didn't mind :) Paul's parents and sister went back to our house to sleep, since the process was supposed to continue to go slowly. My parents got there around 2:00 and hung out for a bit, but then started going back to our house to get some sleep before the big day. But then around 2:30 AM, I was dilated about 4 cm. They gave me another 3 pills of the medicine and said they would come back to check on me in an hour. Around 3:00 AM, I was all of a sudden in major pain (even with the epidural!), so we called the nurse into the room. She checked my status and I was already dilated 10 cm! The pain was caused from the pressure of my water, so she broke my water and I felt SO much better.
After my water broke, my contractions slowed down. My parents came back to the hospital and Paul's parents and sister came too. They all hung out for a while and we all fell asleep waiting for something to happen. The nurse had told me to let her know when I started feeling a lot more pressure, but the contractions continued to stay pretty moderate and only occur every 7 minutes. Finally, around 5:15 AM, the nurse came back in and said we were going to try to deliver since my contractions really hadn't started progressing any more. Everyone left the room and we got ready to deliver.
I couldn't believe it was about to happen. I was hoping Brady was going to be alive, so that I could meet him briefly, but I was pretty sure he had already passed at that point. I only had to do 2 pushes and Brady was out because he was so small. He was born at 5:33 AM on September 16th weighing only 1 lb and measuring 11 1/4" in length. It was totally surreal and felt anticlimactic because it was so quick, but I was thankful that it was so easy and pretty painless. The nurse handed him to me immediately and I finally got to meet him. The nurse checked his heartbeat and confirmed that he had already passed.
Seeing Brady for the first time was amazing. During the pregnancy, I had fears that his deformities would make him a little scary looking, but he was so beautiful and cute. And he looked so much like Paul, it was amazing. He had Paul's nose and super blond eyebrows. And his face had the same shape as Paul's, with the cheeks and mouth just like Paul's. Even the shape of his head was like Paul's. It was awesome. I was so happy, but so sad at the same time. It was heartbreaking holding my baby boy but not truly getting to meet him. However, I know that God is taking care of him, and I know that God took him early in the labor process to keep him from feeling any more pain. And for that, I am so thankful.
After the birth, we took lots of pictures and videos. Everyone got to hold him and take a picture with him. And I got to sleep with him on my chest. It was so great. I wanted to spend so much time with him. It was really special. When everyone left, Paul and I got to spend more time with Brady by ourselves, and that was really special too. Eventually, we got moved to another room with a more comfortable bed. I tried to sleep some, but that was hard to do with all the monitoring they were doing and the discomfort I was feeling. We also had to have them take Brady during the day because he was starting to not do so well, and that was really hard to let him go. I really didn't want to be without him at all, but I knew it was better if he was taken away so that he didn't get any worse. Our parents came back later that night, but they didn't stay long because I was so groggy and not feeling well from the mag (that stuff SUCKS!).
Throughout the night I wasn't able to sleep very well because I was being monitored every hour and because I felt so awful. My blood pressure was still high and I was retaining a lot of water. Finally, around 3:00 AM, the water started draining and my blood pressure started going down. At 5:30 AM, they took me off the mag and I was allowed to eat; although, I couldn't really eat since I hadn't eaten anything for almost 2 days. I ate some crackers, but that was all I could get down. I tried to rest some more, but I still felt pretty bad. They gave me some Percocet and Motrin for my discomfort and that really helped, but I think the Percocet also made me really groggy because I was still pretty tired and out of it for most of the day.
Later in the morning, Paul helped me shower (I couldn't walk or stand very steadily because I was so weak) and that helped me feel a little better. We spoke with the hospital chaplain and he really helped us to figure out how we would want to memorialize Brady, not only now, but also in the future. It was really nice. Everyone at UNC hospital was awesome...the nurses were always helpful and nice and smiling, the doctors were always concerned and helpful, and everyone else we encountered was so nice. I will definitely be going to UNC again for my future pregnancies.
Throughout the day, I was able to eat a little more and walk around a little more. We were really missing Brady, so we had the nurse bring him back so that we could spend the afternoon with him. Our parents came back after lunch and we took more pictures and hung out with Brady. It was really nice. After our parents left, we spent more time with Brady. Paul read him another chapter from the book we had been reading him while I was pregnant, and we talked to him some more. We finally had to say goodbye, so that the funeral home could come pick him up. That was really hard to do. We did not want to say goodbye to him, but we knew we had to.
We decided that we wanted to go home that day (Friday), so we finally got discharged that night. Leaving the hospital and going home was really hard without Brady. We felt so empty leaving without him and knowing that we wouldn't ever be able to be with him. I also felt like I had been cheated out of really being a mother and feared that I would forget the feeling of holding him and knowing he was our baby. The overload of all these different emotions was so overwhelming and hard to deal with, but Paul and I talked through them and he helped me deal with them. That night, I slept better than I had in the hospital, but I still didn't sleep very well. In the morning, I cried a lot because I didn't have Brady to care for when I woke up. It was a really hard realization being home and not having him to take care of. But Paul and I comforted each other and that really helped. I am so lucky to have him.
Saturday went pretty well. Paul's friend brought us breakfast, which was so nice, and that helped bring us some sense of normalcy. In the early afternoon, we went to the cemetery to finalize the plans for Brady's burial. It didn't take long because we had already done all the preparations in advance, and we were so thankful for that. It would have been so much harder to get through if we hadn't done that. We realized that God had really led us through the pregnancy the entire way and had made it as painless as possible for us. All the ultrasounds and doctor appointments I had were timed so perfectly to allow us to get the information we needed at the right times in order to allow us to make decisions and preparations when we needed to. I am really happy with how everything went, how much time we got to spend with Brady and the way in which we were able to grieve and handle everything.
Saturday afternoon, we tried to focus on normal life for a while, so we watched some football and tried not to focus too much on our grief. Saturday afternoon, one of Paul's coworkers dropped off food and some friends dropped off some plants. It was really nice. Our parents also got some plants for the burial, and I printed out some pictures for the burial service.
Sunday morning started off better than Saturday morning, but then it got hard again. Paul and I spent the morning preparing for the burial service. During the service, we are going to have each family member write a letter to Brady, and that letter is going to go in the scrap book we are making for Brady. So we were preparing the paper with the pictures for the letters. After lunch, Paul and I went to the funeral home to say our final goodbyes to Brady and place things in his casket...the journal I have been writing letters to him in, his clothes, a VT football, a stuffed dog, a stuffed VT Hokie bird, some flowers, and a few other items. We took more pictures and then Paul read another chapter of the book to him. We talked to him some more and then we said our final goodbyes. It was really hard to say goodbye to him, but it was really good closure for us. Again, we did not want to leave him but knew we had to. We couldn't believe it was really the last time we were going to see him.
In the afternoon, we did more preparations for the burial service and then took a break and watched some football and hung out with our family. After dinner, we printed out pictures of Brady to put on a couple of poster boards for the service and made a song play list to play during the service. We also prepared the speeches we are going to make tomorrow. So it was an emotional day for us.
Tomorrow we bury Brady and say our goodbyes as a family. We know it's going to be so hard for us and we aren't really ready for this to all be over, but it's time. The last few days have made me realize how hard the next several months are going to be. I think this entire year is going to be hard, but each day will be easier than the previous day. I promised Brady I would try to find joy in every day and continue living life and loving those around me. Brady taught me so much about strength and love and remembering to not take life for granted and appreciate everything I have in life, like family and friends, and to make sure to always try to find the joy in life and be a better person, friend, spouse, and family member. Brady touched so many of your lives, and I feel like that is such a miracle and I'm so thankful for that.
I thank you all for all the love and support you have shown us and I look forward to spending time with you as I try to move on and learn to live with this pain. I understand God's purpose for Brady's life and I completely accept it, but it still brings me pain because I miss him so much and wish he was here with me. I have so much unconditional love for him and wish he was here for me to give it to him in person, but I know he is looking down on me and is taken care of in heaven and no longer knows any pain. So I am at peace with it.
I will get stronger and happier one day at a time. And I will always think of Brady and talk to him and keep his memory alive and joyful.
Here is a picture of our beautiful baby boy Brady.
1 comment:
such a beautiful baby.
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