In order to get through the week, I kept myself very busy. I ran a lot of errands, one of which included buying a pair of jeans since none of my old pants fit yet and the weather is getting cool enough to wear pants (and yes, Steve was nice enough to come with me to buy jeans :)). Another errand I had to do was to take my matron of honor dress (for my sister's wedding) to a seamstress to get it taken in because it is a maternity dress, and I'm not pregnant anymore :( That was really hard and made Wednesday a very sad day. After that appointment, I watched movies the rest of the day to try to make myself feel better.
I also spent a lot of time planning and putting together Brady's scrap book. Before we buried Brady with the journal I was writing letters to him in, I scanned the journal so that I would have a digital copy of it, since I wanted to put the original in his casket with him. So I printed out the pages of the scanned journal on nice paper and put them into the scrap book. I also printed out all the pictures we took of Brady and started putting those in the scrap book. There are a lot of pictures, so I still have a lot left to put in the book, but I'm really excited with the progress I have made. I'm really looking forward to finishing the book when we get back from our vacation.
Tomorrow we are flying into San Francisco and spending the night there. On Sunday we will go on a couple of tours in San Fran and then we will drive out to Sonoma. Monday - Friday we will go wine tasting throughout Sonoma Valley, and then we fly back home on Saturday. We're really looking forward to having a relaxing time in a beautiful setting with delicious wine and food. I think it will really help to get away and spend some quality time together. We have definitely missed each other this week, and I think that has made it a little harder to heal.
It's so weird for me to be able to do things now that I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. This morning I was throwing the ball for Macho and I was able to bend over and pick up the ball easily, which I wasn't able to do at the end of my pregnancy. I'm also able to eat cold deli meat, eat canned tuna, stand in front of the microwave when it's running, and drink alcohol now, all of which I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. It's so sad and weird for me to be able to do these things all of a sudden now and yet I don't have the benefit of taking care of a baby. That really leaves me feeling empty sometimes.
But I'm trying to remember that I still have so much to be thankful for and happy about in my life, like Paul, my family, my friends, my job, and so much more. And I also need to remember that I will have children one day - that this is just a delay and I need to be patient. On Wednesday, one of the movies I watched was Rudy. While watching it, it struck me that his dream was so important to him that he never gave up, no matter how many times he got rejected and no matter how many people told him he couldn't do it. My dream is to have children, and I have never wanted something so much in my entire life. So I need to be patient and persistent, and eventually I will realize my dream. It will just take time, and if I want it this badly, I just need to keep trying until I get it.
So in the meantime, I will be happy with the life I have and will look forward to the children I will have in the future. But I will also let myself be sad and grieve when I think about how much I miss Brady because that is normal and natural. I just won't let that sadness take over my attitude about life in general. So I ask all of you to help me remember the joy I have in life, because you are my friends and family from whom I derive so much of the joy and happiness I have in life. Love you all.
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