Brady update - 8/1/2010

As you saw, last week was actually a pretty good week. I kept myself really busy with work and other things, and that really helped keep me positive and hopeful. I also felt like I was getting a little bigger, so that made me even more hopeful that Brady is growing. It was weird, sometimes I would just feel really full or stretch in my abdomen, like I could feel him pushing on me to make room for him. I still don't know if I have felt his movements or not, but occasionally I do feel some muscle twitching in that area. I'd like to think that it's him, but I just don't know for certain.

On Friday afternoon, the woman from the UNC Center for Maternal and Infant Health (Lisa) called me. She told me about all the things they are going to do for us. She said that if Brady doesn't make it, we can plan for mementos, pictures, handprints/footprints, and other special things to make the day of his birth more special. She suggested we buy a couple of special outfits and bring them to th hospital to take pictures in them. She also said that they have a professional photographer that will take pictures for free for babies that aren't going to make it long. The company is called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". After hearing all this, I felt so relieved that they understood what we want and will take care of us. I feel so fortunate that we found this group to work with. She also said that their chaplain (Daryl) will be able to help us figure out burial arrangements, so that we can have that planned ahead of time, in case Brady doesn't make it.

She set up an OB appointment for me for August 11th. At that time, we will be able to register with the hospital and we will be given a primary OB that we will meet with every time, so that he/she can get to know us and take care of us. After that appointment, she said that we can tour the hospital. I mentioned that I'd like to meet with Daryl as soon as possible because Brady could go at any time, so she is going to try to get us an appointment to meet with him after the OB appointment as well. At one point, she said something like "if Brady doesn't have a heartbeat at the OB appointment...". It didn't seem to affect me much during the conversation, but it's something that has haunted me since.

She said that at later OB appointments, she can set up appointments for us to meet with the neonatologist, pediatrician, labor and delivery nurses, pediatric cardiologist, and pediatric neurosurgeon. I was really glad to hear that she had thought of all those people that we need to meet with and will help set up those appointments.

After the phone call, I was feeling very good about the situation. I feel like we are in very good hands and will be taken care of well.

Friday night before bed though, I started having negative thoughts. For some reason, I just started wondering if Brady is going to have a heartbeat at our next OB appointment and thinking that he might not. I started to cry some, but had to stop myself to go to sleep. These are the first negative thoughts I have had in a week, and they were devastating. I don't want to feel this way, so I hoped that I would feel better the next day. Last night, I started having the same thoughts but earlier in the night this time. I started talking about them with Paul and he tried to comfort me. He then read to Brady, and that lifted my spirits some, but again before bed, I started to think negative thoughts again and started crying again.

And as I'm writing this blog entry, I'm crying too. I knew I would have bad moments mixed in with the good, but since Friday night, they seem to be getting worse and more frequent. I'm just so afraid that something has gone wrong already. The worst part is not knowing. If I knew he was okay, then of course I would continue to feel hopeful and positive. If I knew he was gone, then I could begin to grieve. This limbo is really hard, so today we're going to look into getting a heartbeat monitor (like the one the OB uses to find Brady's heartbeat), so that I can check on him every morning. That will help me to get through these days between OB appointments, especially since I haven't felt him move yet, so I can't tell when he has stopped moving.

I continue to pray that God will help us get through this and be here for us. I don't know what God's plan is for Brady, so I pray that he will be with us eventually, but if that's not in God's plan, then it's not going to happen. So what I need to pray for the most is the strength to get through whatever does happen, whether it be Brady's death or caring for him after his birth. Both are going to require a lot of strength, so that's what I pray for the most.

Sometimes, it doesn't feel like this is really happening. I'm just going through the motions of planning and I try not to think about what could happen, so that I don't fall apart. I know it's a coping mechanism, but at least it's productive. And sometimes, I can't believe this is happening. After all we went through to get pregnant, now we have a good chance of losing him, yet we have no idea when or if it will happen. The ambiguity of the situation is probably the worst, but I just don't want to give him up. Partly for selfish reasons, because I want to keep my baby, but partly because I want him to have life, for himself.

I better stop here. I need to try to stop thinking about this, so that I can go on with life today. Otherwise, I'll cry all day :) Please pray for us and Brady. We need it. Thank you for your love and support. We really appreciate all the emails, texts, phone calls, cards, and other offers of support. It means more than you know.