Another bad appointment

Well, today didn't go well like I had hoped. We had the ultrasound this morning to see how Brady is doing. He wasn't moving around much, like I had suspected since I haven't felt him move much in the past week or so. His brain and kidneys were looking good, but he is now measuring 20 weeks, which is 4 weeks behind. 5 weeks ago, he was only 2 weeks behind, so he is falling further behind in size. We found out that the reason for this is because the blood is flowing backwards out of the placenta when Brady's heart relaxes (from pumping), but it's still supposed to be flowing forwards during that time, so he is not only getting fewer nutrients due to the single umbilical artery, but also because the blood isn't always flowing towards him. This signals that the placenta is starting to malfunction, and the doctors think that Brady may only have 2-4 weeks left before he passes.

This was a major blow to me because I have been trying to be so hopeful since we found out about Brady's condition. Paul has been expecting this all along, so he is taking it a little better than I am, but it's still hard for him. So now we are trying to finish our plans for Brady's death. Tomorrow we are going to meet with a funeral home and cemetary to discuss our plans for his burial. We also ordered some Hokie clothes for him to wear when he is born and to be buried in. Now we just need to figure out what we want to bury with him in his casket and what we want to do at his burial service.

This is so surreal for me. I've been trying to be so hopeful this entire time that I haven't really allowed myself to fully accept that this outcome was the most likely one. Now that it's almost 100% definite that he will pass before being born, it's so hard for me to deal with. I'm trying so hard to continue focusing on spending time with Brady while he is alive and to take one day at a time, while still trying to plan for future events so that we are prepared when it happens. After he passes, I will have to give birth to him, and that will be the most difficult and awful thing I have ever had to do (and hopefully will ever have to do).

So now it's just a waiting game. One day, I will wake up and use the fetal heart monitor and find out that Brady is no longer with us. Until that day, I will try my best to cherish the time I have with him and find the good times in every day. I will just have to accept that this was God's plan for Brady and that he has fulfilled God's mission and is ready to be taken to heaven to wait for me and Paul to join him. I know how much he has already changed my and Paul's life, and I like to think that he has had a positive impact on your lives as well. Please pray for us to have the strength to come through this stronger than we were before. Thank you all for your support and love.