21 weeks along

Today I am 21 weeks along and feeling really good.  I am noticing more changes in my belly and feeling Brooke often enough that I'm not using my heartbeat monitor daily anymore.  It's very exciting!  I not only feel her kick my belly but also sometimes my organs, which is such a weird feeling!  Once she gets bigger, I think it's going to start hurting, but at this point it's just a weird twitch or something.  So strange!  And I love it!!

On Monday I have my next OB appt and I'm really looking forward to seeing Brooke again.  I love that I'm excited to go to the doctor now instead of anxious!  It's really such a great feeling.  If I get more pictures on Monday, I'll post them.  For now, here is my latest bump picture.  I feel like my belly is getting more rounded and higher now.

Brooke is getting stronger!

Over the past few days, Brooke has definitely become stronger, so I am now feeling her daily activity pretty easily.  She seems to be the most active in the late afternoon and evening.  Last night she really started kicking me regularly when we were sitting on the couch watching tv between 8-9.  She was kicking me so hard that I could feel it on the outside of my belly, and Paul even got to feel her!  It is just so cool!  I'm so happy to be feeling her every day now and with more certainty.  She is still sitting pretty low, but on Friday night I was having some sharp pains on both sides of my uterus, which makes Paul and me think that the uterus is starting to be squeezed by my pelvic bones and will probably start lifting up out of it soon.  I can definitely feel the top of my uterus at my belly button and I think it's supposed to move above my belly button by 23 weeks, which is in a little over 2 weeks!

After having a relaxing weekend, I am feeling much more positive and happy today, and that feels really good.  I had a weird dream last night (as usual because I constantly have weird dreams) that I could feel Brooke's foot in my side, even from the outside (I was able to kind of grab it with my hand from outside my belly), and I was able to hug and see her even though she was still in my belly.  And she was beautiful :)  I just cannot wait to meet her!!!

20 weeks along

Today I am 20 weeks, so I am halfway through the pregnancy.  After getting such great results from the ultrasound, I thought I wouldn't worry about Brooke much anymore, but I still find myself worrying.  When I don't gain weight and my belly doesn't seem to be growing, I totally worry that she isn't developing properly.  When I think about it rationally, I know that she is fine, but when my emotions take over, I worry.  I know it's because the situation with Brady made me paranoid.  When I was in my second trimester with him, I wasn't growing very much and that was because he was falling behind in development.  So I get nervous when I don't seem to be growing much with Brooke.

This past week I did gain some weight though.  I'm hoping it's Brooke and not a result of me eating more unhealthy food.  I don't think I've been that bad though, so I'm going to say that it's Brooke :)  I now weight 144 lbs, so I'm up 10 lbs from the beginning of the pregnancy and up 14 lbs from my ideal weight (which I never reached before getting pregnant again).  That seems to be the average amount I should be gaining, so that makes me happy.

I feel like my belly looks a little fuller now than it used to, but I'm still measuring bigger below my belly button than right at my belly button, so it seems like I am still carrying her low.  I was looking at some pictures on a pregnancy website of where Brooke should be located in my belly each week, and it looks like week 23 is when she should really start to move up.  I guess we'll see!

The past couple of weeks I have felt some pokes in my lower belly, which I thought was probably Brooke but it was still hard to tell.  This week I have been feeling them more, so I really think it's Brooke, which makes me so happy.  And last night when I was lying in bed, I got to see and feel some kicks from the outside!  Very exciting!  So I'm really hoping that this is the beginning of being able to feel her more definitely and more often.  That will make me really happy.

I am so ready to see her again already.  My next OB appt is on May 2, so I have a week and a half left to wait.  I really hope my Dr continues to use the bedside ultrasound machine during our regular appointments, so that I can see Brooke.  Hearing her heartbeat at the Dr office isn't exciting because I get to hear it every day, so I really want to see her again.

I keep thinking about holding her and being able to give her love.  I am just so incredible excited for the changes she is going to bring to our lives and to ourselves.  I love that I don't know how I'm going to feel or act when she comes.  It's a complete mystery, and I really love that, which is strange for me.  I usually don't like surprises.  I know it's going to be hard, but I am so excited for it.  I'm just trying not to be impatient.  I really think that once I feel her more often, I will be able to be more patient, but we'll see.  I'm looking forward to getting her room painted and start planning more for her arrival.  This summer should be fun!

Here is a picture of the bump from today.  I feel like there isn't much difference from my last picture, but maybe my belly is sticking out a tiny bit more.  It's hard to tell.

Bean is a healthy girl!!!

I'm sorry I wasn't able to update the blog yesterday after our appointment.  The ultrasound went REALLY well!  So we went out to celebrate and didn't get home until 9:00, and my phone wouldn't allow me to update the blog on it for some reason. We found out that we are having a girl and all of her measurements and body parts are looking great!  Our doctor was super excited about how she looked, which is such a great sign.  Our doctor has no concerns about the pregnancy going forward, so she said that we are now considered a regular pregnancy.  She said we can come in more often if we feel the need to, but at this point, we feel comfortable going forward like normal.  We are so happy about that!!

When the ultrasound first started, the sonographer began in Bean's brain.  I asked if things looked normal and she said she wouldn't be able to comment on that, so we thought she wasn't going to say anything the entire time!  We were not looking forward to having to wait until we met with our doctor after the ultrasound to hear the results.  Thankfully, there was a resident in the room observing the ultrasound, so the sonographer was doing a lot of explaining, and so she did end up commenting on each body part.  Thank goodness!  We were so relieved each time she explained that if there were problems, you would see certain things, but those things weren't there. Each body part looked really good.

Bean was moving around like crazy, so the sonographer was having trouble getting good pictures of her sometimes.  She was kicking and moving her arms around so much and really fast!  The sonographer kept commenting on how fast she was.  I think she's going to be keeping me awake a lot once she's big enough for me to feel her regularly!  Right now, I sometimes think I feel her, but I don't really know at this point.  We think we are going to have our hands full when she comes out.  Payback :)

Because Bean was moving around so much, it was hard to get a good picture of her face, but we were able to see it and she looks like she has some full lips (like Paul) and a little button nose (I'm hoping she has my nose!).  She looked really cute.  The pictures we got aren't nearly as clear as the images were in real time, so it's hard to see her clearly, but I'm posting them anyway.

At the end of the ultrasound, the sonographer was trying really hard to get a clear picture of her heart to make sure there were no issues.  Finally she was able to get some good pictures and everything looked okay.  We were so glad to see no problems anywhere.  When she was done, the sonographer put up all the measurements on the screen and Bean is measuring right around 18 weeks, which is perfect.  She weighs 8 oz and is about 6 inches long.  I'm so excited for her to get bigger so I can feel her!  I might regret that though once she starts keeping me awake and hurting me ;)  But I don't care.  As long as I can feel her, I will be happy.

We have named her Brooke Elise.  So we can now start referring to her as Brooke!  So excited!

Meet Brooke:

profile pic:

her cute foot!

proof of her girlie parts ;)  the lines are her labia (TMI? :))

she is pushed back up against me and kicks out a lot

that's one of her legs up in the air and her arm up in front of her face!

she kept putting her legs up, like the v-shape in pilates :)

not a very clear picture of her face:

another face shot with her right arm in the air and i think her left hand is on her chest:

Trying to get through the morning

Well, I feel like I thought I would feel this morning.  I feel so anxious that I have a ball in my throat.  I'm trying so hard to stay calm, but the negative thoughts just keep forcing their way in and I keep thinking about what happened last year and how awful it was, and I just can't go through that again.  I'm just so scared.  I just want to get this ultrasound over with so that I know how Bean is doing.  I'm trying so hard to believe Bean is healthy, but it's so hard at this point to hold onto that belief.  I just don't even know anymore.  I hate this waiting.  But, I only have 5 more hours to go.  I just have to hang on until then.  God give me strength.

And it begins...

Well, today my emotional and mental state isn't doing so well.  I am a complete mess.  I was hoping this wouldn't happen until tomorrow, but to no avail.  It's so subconscious, it's hard to stop.  This really sucks :(  I don't want to feel like this.  I just can't stop crying.  It's completely irrational.  Hopefully my prayers will be answered.  I need some strength and peace to get through this.

One day down, 2.5 to go

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day.  I had a little anxiety here and there, but no breakdowns like I had on Sunday.  It was such a beautiful day and it went by pretty quickly.  Today I have a bunch of work meetings, so that should make the day go by really fast, which will be nice.

This morning I measured myself again and weighed myself, after doing the same yesterday morning.  Since yesterday morning, I gained 0.8 pounds and 0.5"!  I felt like my belly was feeling a little firmer yesterday and I was able to feel my uterus last night, so it looks like Bean is having another growth spurt!  It's so exciting to see those changes.

The feelings I'm having are so bizarre.  I feel pretty confident that Bean is healthy.  But this morning I was thinking about how this ultrasound is kind of the beginning of our next life course.  When we found out about Brady's condition at this same ultrasound last year, it significantly changed our lives, and we weren't expecting it. Now that I know what effect this ultrasound can have, I think that's what is causing my anxiety more than the expectation that we will find problems with Bean.

Knowing that something coming up can be so life changing just automatically brings anxiety to it, whether you are excited about the change or not.  Just like getting married, starting a new job, and giving birth.  In all of those situations, you don't really know what to expect, but you know that your life will be forever changed as a result.  So there is a lot of anxiety and anticipation that precedes it.

I know that whatever happens, Paul and I can handle it, but it's so crazy knowing that such a big event is coming up and not knowing what the result will be.  That's where faith in God comes in.  I have to put aside my needs and desires, my impatience and fears, and just trust that God will take care of us.  Life is too short and precious to be worried about upcoming events.  I try to tell myself that all the time so that I can focus on the wonderful life events that are occurring right now.  Sometimes your body's innate reactions take over, like mine have been here and there over the past 2 weeks, but I believe my mind and heart are winning and I will enjoy this week, one day at a time! :)

Most recent baby bump:

A tough week ahead

Well, the countdown has begun for the week of the ultrasound.  This week is going to be hard.  I already started feeling anxious yesterday.  So far today I have been doing pretty well though.  I've had a good amount of distraction at work, so that has helped.  It's a gorgeous day and I plan on taking advantage of it sometime this afternoon with Macho.  I hate wanting to rush through each day to get to Thursday, but that's how I feel at this point.  It's a weird feeling.  I still feel pretty strongly that Bean is healthy, yet I still feel anxious about the ultrasound.  And at some times I feel much more anxious than other times.  I'm just trying to focus on having more less anxious times :)

A note on the gold test.  Paul didn't believe it really worked.  He felt it was like a ouiji board, where you can subconsciously move the thing around the board without realizing it.  So he wanted me to do the test with an immobile object holding the string.  So I hung the string from the kitchen table yesterday and it ended up not moving when I put my belly up to it.  So maybe the trick doesn't work after all.  It doesn't really matter because we will find out on Thursday, and I was just doing those little gender tests for fun anyway.  Until then, we will all continue to speculate :)