An Epiphany

I am currently reading, and almost finished with, a book called Broken Open that someone so thoughtfully loaned me. It's a book about using the hard times in your life to open yourself to change and connect with your soul. Throughout reading the book, the author has helped me to understand the feelings I am going through and to continue to move forward with the changes I have started. It has been very enlightening, especially this morning when I had a bit of an epiphany.

The author spoke about her resistance to change and how she is finally able to find peace when she stops resisting a certain change she is going through and instead embraces and accepts it. She says that even though she has gone through the "Phoenix Process" many times (which is the process of being broken open by some event or circumstance), she is still resistant when another one comes upon her, and she isn't able to move forward and find a way to be happy with the change until she recognizes it and stops fighting it. She says that we all experience death throughout our lives as little deaths - things that are coming to an end in our lives. She encourages the reader to analyze what is currently dying in our life right now and to address it as a Phoenix Process.

So, this morning, as I was reading about her experience with changes brought on by menopause, I realized that I have been fighting the death of my childhood innocence. I grew up pretty sheltered. I was very happy and didn't go through a lot of hard experiences. I always thought I could do everything and have everything I wanted. That mindset continued in college and through my 20s. However, when I hit 30, something changed. I began to understand my and other's mortality, as I think many people start to do in their 30s, and I started doubting my ability to get everything I want and losing confidence in myself. This has upset me because I thought we were supposed to get more confident as we get older and wiser!

But now I realize that I have always been confident because of my childhood innocence. Now my childhood innocence is dying, and I'm realizing all of the depression and hard experiences that people have to go through in life. I have been fighting this death because I like my innocence (because it makes me happy), but I realized this morning that its death is inevitable, and it will probably make me a better mother to my future children if I accept it and learn from it and choose to be happy in life despite all of the tragedies that occur. I need to be aware of all that life can bring, both the unbelievable joy and the unrelenting sadness, so that I can have a more rich and joyful life and so I can help my kids with whatever they may encounter.

It's hard to really find joy when you haven't also encountered sadness. As many people know, there is great value in opposites (poor and rich, happy and sad) because it's very difficult to truly appreciate and value the good things in life without experiencing some of the bad things. The author encourages us to live life open to all experiences, to accept that things are going to change and sometimes in ways we don't want, and that it's not about what we want to accomplish or gain in life that is important, rather it's about just living life as it comes and finding the joy in the unknown and unexpected changes and loving our family and friends.

These lessons are completely against my nature of planning and goal setting and wanting control. But I can't control life. I can control some things, but I can't control everything, especially what happened with Brady and what will happen with trying to have kids. So I will try to remember each day to let life come as it will, to enjoy what I do have and have faith that I will get what I want eventually. I know deep down that Paul and I will have kids one day. I can feel it. Sometimes the feeling is so strong I am amazed by it. The only thing I don't know, and that I can't control, is how we get those kids. So I will trust in God to lead me down the right path and eventually we will have children. In the meantime, we will enjoy what we have already, because one of the things I can control is how I view the world and my life and how I react to every experience I have.

A new perspective

This week I am taking a new perspective on life. I had some wonderful and supportive friends tell me about a book called "The Secret" last Friday night, so I started reading it this week. I also listened to my friends' advice about thinking positively and knowing that I deserve what I really want in life, all I have to do is think and feel positively about it. So this weekend, I had a much better attitude and felt a lot happier.

On Sunday, I even visited a friend from high school who just had a baby 4-5 weeks ago. I was a little anxious about seeing her baby, but I really wanted to see her and meet her baby, even if it upset me. I was actually able to hold her baby for a while and not get upset at all! He actually reminded me of how much I want a baby, and holding him renewed my confidence that I will one day be blessed with a baby, somehow someday.

I then started reading The Secret on Monday morning and continued reading it this morning, and I feel even better about things. I'm really trying to focus on the absolute fact that I will eventually be blessed with children, I just don't know how or when it will happen. Of course, as many of you know, not knowing the details and having to wait for something I really want has always been hard for me. So I have to work really hard at being patient and just enjoying the journey, rather than trying to jump to the end goal. I know plenty of people have told me this, but I just wasn't ready to listen until now.

So now I will focus on being happy, but I will also listen to my gut and do whatever I feel I should do in order to help us realize our goal of having children, but I won't force it. So we are going to try naturally for several months, but if I need to take progesterone and/or Femara to help us along, I will do that. I am also going to get an HSG to make sure my fallopian tubes aren't blocked, which I didn't do earlier this year since we decided to do IVF. Even if I don't have any major blockages, the HSG may clear up any minor blockages I have and has been shown to help increase fertility over the next few months after it has been done.

I think I also need to come up with some kind of special object that will remind me to relax and think happy, positive thoughts whenever I see it because I know that sometimes I will regress and slip back into feeling anxious or impatient, which will detract from my happiness. So I will have to figure out what that object should be, so that it's really obvious to me to help me snap out of it :)

I'm looking forward to finishing The Secret and also watching the DVD that goes with the book because I think they will really help me create my positive thoughts and feelings, so that they resonate with me deep down. I need to practice, so that it becomes habitual. I really like what the book says about thinking positively: it says to think about everything with love. I'm going to try to do that from now on. It may not be easy at first, but I know I can change my outlook with practice and determination. I love you all! :)

Wishing this was easier

Every week, Monday is hard. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Brady was buried on a Monday. Maybe it's because I'm getting back into the work week and I'm working from home alone with not many distractions. I just don't know, but it just seems to be the pattern. Then each day seems to get a little better, but today has been a step back. I am having such trouble dealing with this still.

Of course, I'm still grieving Brady and miss him so much. But I'm also thinking about the future and starting to try to conceive again, and that's bringing up feelings of anxiety because the process was so difficult the first time. But we really want to try again right away because we want a child so badly, so we don't want to wait. I know I went through this anxiety last time we were trying, but it seems worse this time, and I think it's because I'm more vulnerable because I'm still grieving Brady, so I'm not able to combat the anxiety as much as I could before.

I think I'm also having feelings of worthlessness. My responsibilities in my job just don't seem that important, which is hard to deal with because I've been working on the same project team for so long and I used to feel a lot more important than I do now. But I was fine with this transition when I had motherhood to look forward to. Now I don't have a child to take care of, so I'm feel unimportant at work and at home. Apparently, feeling needed and important seems to be really crucial to my wellbeing. I'm just realizing this today, and it just adds to all the feelings I've been experiencing over the past several weeks.

This past Monday, Paul and I went to visit Brady's grave because they finally got his marker installed. It was really nice to go see him, even though I talk to him every night. Paul read another chapter from the book he was reading to Brady before he was born. It was really special, but also really hard and emotional.

My emotions also go berserk when I talk to or see friends with babies or who are pregnant. I want to be happy for them so badly, and I am happy for them, but it also hurts my heart because they have what I want. So I put myself through the ringer, so that I can spend time with these friends because I want to spend time with them and hear about their babies because my friends mean the world to me, but it's still hard and I never know how hard it's going to be until I put myself through it because I feel different each time.

One of the hardest things about this is the unknown. Will we ever get to have a baby? How much will we be able to fight to have one until we decide to stop trying and try to adopt instead? When I was going through IVF in the Spring, I didn't think I'd be able to go through it more than a few times because it's so emotional, but I know I won't be able to make that decision until we are actually in the situation. We have 3 frozen embryos, so if we aren't able to get pregnant naturally, we can transfer those, if they thaw without any issues, and not all of them will most likely. And if those don't work, we have to decide if we're going to go through the whole process again.

I just want to be pregnant again :( To have that connection again. In my first trimester, I complained about the nausea and exhaustion, but once we found out about Brady's condition, I tried to cherish every day with him. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, I miss it more than I imagined I could because I don't have that connection to him anymore. If he was here with me and I could hold him in my arms, I wouldn't miss the pregnancy, but since that was my only connection to him, I really miss it.

I want more than anything to be a mother of a living child - I know I will always be Brady's mother but it's so hard to feel like a mother without a child to take care of. I am so ready to give this unbelievable amount of love that I have in my heart to a child and to give all of myself to take care of a child. I should have been granted this gift in a month and a half when Brady was due, but now I don't know when I it will be granted to me, and that is the hardest part. I am not a patient person, and this is definitely the hardest test of patience I've ever had to go through.

Every day I pray for the strength and patience to get through this grieving and waiting period without too much sadness and anxiety. I just hope it gets better and not worse...only time will tell.

A week of relaxation

This past week, Paul and I went to Sonoma Valley to relax and spend some quality time together alone and away from home. It was really good to get away. We spent Saturday night and Sunday day in San Francisco - touring Alcatraz and doing a sailing tour on the San Francisco bay - and then we drove to Sonoma Valley late Sunday afternoon. Our hotel was perfect. The room was large and comfortable - we had a nice bed, a nice tv with a dvd player, and a patio that had a view of the hotel's beautiful gardens, which were surrounded by the hotel, so it was really peaceful. It also had a pool and hot tub, which were nicely decorated with gardens too. It was the perfect place to get away. We spent the entire week in Sonoma Valley, wine tasting and just spending some peaceful time together - it was perfect.

I thought I was doing pretty well last week because I didn't really cry much while we were there. I had one big breakdown in the city park downtown when we went to their farmer's market on Tuesday evening and there were kids and pregnant women everywhere - it was just too much for me. I seem to get really upset around kids and pregnant women I don't know, but I'm fine around my friend's kids and pregnant friends, which is such a blessing. I would hate it if I got upset every time I was around my friends' kids or my pregnant friends. But anytime I'm around kids for a long time in public, I get upset. It happened on the plane rides too.

But otherwise, I was feeling pretty good in Sonoma, except for the constant headaches I have had for the past 2 weeks (I think I am clenching my teeth at night because of the strain on my body, mind, and emotions - hopefully that will stop after a little more time of grieving). Since we've been home though, I've been crying more. It's still only 2-3 times a day and it doesn't last very long, but it's definitely more often than in Sonoma. But I think that's good. I don't necessarily think I was repressing my feelings in Sonoma, but I was allowing myself to be distracted, and because I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't allowing myself to get upset. I think it's good for me to face every day life and the things that are going to make me upset, so that I can cry and let out my grief.

Sometimes it feels so unreal that all this happened, and I can't even believe that I used to be pregnant for 6 months and went through labor and birth. And sometimes I feel like I have this hole in my heart that is so empty, I don't know if it will ever fill back in. It's just so bizarre the range of emotions I go through throughout the day. Sometimes I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.

Last night, Paul and I watched "We Are Marshall", which is about the Marshall football team disaster in 1971. It was a very sad movie, and of course it was much sadder for me and Paul because it was all about how the football team (and others) died in a plane crash and how the town grieved afterwards, so we cried a lot. But I think it was good for me because I got to see how many people may grieve in a situation when they have experienced extreme loss. It was nice to see that there are all different types of ways to grieve, and you just have to figure out what works for you at each point in the grieving process.

So I'm just trying to let myself feel whatever I need to feel at each point in the day and let myself cry when I need to. I'm hoping that will eventually get the teeth clenching to stop, so that the headaches go away. On a positive note, my blood pressure is going down (130s/90), and the doctor said as long as I stay below 140/90, I shouldn't need to go on medicine, and that hopefully it will continue to go down over the next few weeks. I'm also exercising again and it feels really good. I am continuing to work on Brady's scrap book and collage photo frame, which I'm going to hang up in our upstairs hallway. We haven't gotten a chance to upload the video of the burial service yet, but I promise we will! Working on all of this really helps too. I really want to get some pictures of Brady up around the house, so that I can look at him each day, and I know that eventually looking at his pictures will bring me joy instead of sadness.

Grieving and healing

This week was somewhat better than last week, but still pretty hard. Paul had to go into the office to work, so our friend Steve came to stay with us, so that I wouldn't have to be alone during the day. What a relief. This week would have been so much harder to get through if I had had to do it alone. Steve really kept me distracted and from feeling so alone, and that was so critical for me this week.

In order to get through the week, I kept myself very busy. I ran a lot of errands, one of which included buying a pair of jeans since none of my old pants fit yet and the weather is getting cool enough to wear pants (and yes, Steve was nice enough to come with me to buy jeans :)). Another errand I had to do was to take my matron of honor dress (for my sister's wedding) to a seamstress to get it taken in because it is a maternity dress, and I'm not pregnant anymore :( That was really hard and made Wednesday a very sad day. After that appointment, I watched movies the rest of the day to try to make myself feel better.

I also spent a lot of time planning and putting together Brady's scrap book. Before we buried Brady with the journal I was writing letters to him in, I scanned the journal so that I would have a digital copy of it, since I wanted to put the original in his casket with him. So I printed out the pages of the scanned journal on nice paper and put them into the scrap book. I also printed out all the pictures we took of Brady and started putting those in the scrap book. There are a lot of pictures, so I still have a lot left to put in the book, but I'm really excited with the progress I have made. I'm really looking forward to finishing the book when we get back from our vacation.

Tomorrow we are flying into San Francisco and spending the night there. On Sunday we will go on a couple of tours in San Fran and then we will drive out to Sonoma. Monday - Friday we will go wine tasting throughout Sonoma Valley, and then we fly back home on Saturday. We're really looking forward to having a relaxing time in a beautiful setting with delicious wine and food. I think it will really help to get away and spend some quality time together. We have definitely missed each other this week, and I think that has made it a little harder to heal.

It's so weird for me to be able to do things now that I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. This morning I was throwing the ball for Macho and I was able to bend over and pick up the ball easily, which I wasn't able to do at the end of my pregnancy. I'm also able to eat cold deli meat, eat canned tuna, stand in front of the microwave when it's running, and drink alcohol now, all of which I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. It's so sad and weird for me to be able to do these things all of a sudden now and yet I don't have the benefit of taking care of a baby. That really leaves me feeling empty sometimes.

But I'm trying to remember that I still have so much to be thankful for and happy about in my life, like Paul, my family, my friends, my job, and so much more. And I also need to remember that I will have children one day - that this is just a delay and I need to be patient. On Wednesday, one of the movies I watched was Rudy. While watching it, it struck me that his dream was so important to him that he never gave up, no matter how many times he got rejected and no matter how many people told him he couldn't do it. My dream is to have children, and I have never wanted something so much in my entire life. So I need to be patient and persistent, and eventually I will realize my dream. It will just take time, and if I want it this badly, I just need to keep trying until I get it.

So in the meantime, I will be happy with the life I have and will look forward to the children I will have in the future. But I will also let myself be sad and grieve when I think about how much I miss Brady because that is normal and natural. I just won't let that sadness take over my attitude about life in general. So I ask all of you to help me remember the joy I have in life, because you are my friends and family from whom I derive so much of the joy and happiness I have in life. Love you all.

Grieving Brady

This week has had a lot of ups and downs. I have never lost someone close to me before, so I didn't know what to expect in terms of how I would feel and how I would grieve. And now that I'm going through it, I'm still unsure about what to expect each day and how I'm supposed to feel. Each day, I try to keep myself busy, so that I don't think about Brady too much, but then I wonder if I should be thinking about him more to make sure I'm not holding my feelings in and preventing myself from grieving and healing. When I do get upset (which is usually about 2-3 times a day), I struggle with how long I should allow myself to be upset and when I need to just let it go. I know there is no right answer, because even someone else who has been through this exact situation (like many of the women on the Trisomy 13 website) will need a different grieving process in order to get through it.

The reason I am struggling is because I'm trying to figure out what the best grieving process is for me. I want to think about Brady each day, but every time I really think about him, I get upset. And I just don't know how much crying I should allow myself to do. The reasons I get upset range from missing Brady so much to also being upset that our dreams of becoming parents have now been delayed for another year. But, as I mentioned before, I promised Brady that I would try to focus on enjoying life and all that we have and not focus on what we don't have, so I get upset with myself for having a pity party that I don't have a baby to take care of yet. But at the same time, I'm upset because I miss Brady, so I should be able to cry about that. It's such a confusing mix of emotions and I have such trouble figuring them out and dealing with them each day. But I think it is getting slightly easier each day, so I'm trying to focus on that positive and hopeful thought.

Another weird situation I encountered this weekend was on Saturday when we did a lot of socializing. Throughout the day, I was drinking, but when I started to feel like I was getting buzzed, I would start drinking water because I really am not ready to be drunk yet and I don't really want to get drunk (or have the resulting hangover). Despite this, I had a really good time with all the friends we spent time with. However, when I went to bed Saturday night, I got really upset because even though I had a lot of fun, I don't really want that kind of life right now because I am so ready to have a baby to take care of, and I really want to take care of Brady. So that was a strange mix of emotions to go through, and I'm trying to just focus on the fact that I had a great time with great friends, and I have a wonderful life and wonderful friends, so I shouldn't be getting so upset.

Every night before bed, I pray and then I talk to Brady, and that always gets me emotional. I also get emotional about 1-2 times during the day. But thankfully, my emotional spells only last for about 10-30 minutes, so I'm spending the majority of the day either happy or at least not upset. Most of the day, I waiver between sad, so-so, and happy, and I never know when the mood is going to change. I guess that is pretty good at this point, since it's only been a week and a half since Brady was born. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long.

Paul has been handling this situation much better than I have, and I think there are 2 reasons for that. Paul is a more realistic person than I am, so when we first got Brady's diagnosis a couple of months ago, Paul grieved a lot and then came to accept the fact that Brady would ultimately not make it. Because I decided to be hopeful instead of accepting, I am now having to go through the acceptance part, and he already did that, so after he had his initial grieving period the week after Brady was born, he is now already in the acceptance stage. The other reason I think it's a little easier for him to move on is because he wasn't pregnant, so he hadn't made changes to his life yet in anticipation of the baby, like I had. Part of what's hard about this situation is that I'm no longer pregnant and I also don't have a baby to take care of. I had already stopped drinking and started going to bed earlier, etc, and now I don't have to change my life anymore, so going back to how we used to live is a big change for me emotionally and mentally.

But I'm so thankful that Paul is so strong because he has been so integral to my healing. He is always here to listen to me and comfort me when I am upset or just need to talk. He doesn't judge me and he is completely supportive of how I need to grieve and heal. I couldn't ask for a better man to share my life with. He is so loving and wonderful, and that helps me with grieving and healing.

We have decided to take a week long vacation (starting next Saturday) to Sonoma Valley with a one day stop in San Francisco. We are looking forward to being able to get away from home, so that we can focus on spending quality time together in a relaxing and beautiful setting and enjoy good food and wine. Getting away from home will really help us to let go of all the stresses that we still feel while at home, so that we can focus on our grieving, healing, and just being together alone.

We want to thank all our neighbors who are cooking dinners for us. I can't tell you how much we appreciate this and how much it is needed. I spend the majority of my days either trying to get the house in order, or planning our much needed vacation, or planning the scrap book I'm going to make for Brady, or grieving. If I had to worry about what to cook for dinner, it would stress me out and just be too much for me to handle emotionally, especially since it's really hard for me to go out to the store these days. We feel so fortunate to have such wonderful friends to take care of us and support us and pray for us.

And we want to thank everyone who sent cards/emails/texts and plants/flowers/other gifts. It is so heartwarming to know that we have so many wonderful people praying for us and supporting us in this difficult time. Your support doesn't lessen the pain of losing Brady, but it really does help us remember how lucky we are and what a wonderful life we have, which helps us focus on being happy, and that is so important to our healing. We love getting your messages that ask how we're doing or that just let us know you're thinking of us, so keep them coming. And we will reach out to you when we are able to. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort for us to reach out, but we will do so when we can.

Take care and God bless you all.

Brady's burial

Yesterday we buried Brady. I thought it was going to be really hard and devastating, but it ended up being really nice. It went exactly how we wanted it to go, and that was really special for us. We only had close family at the service because we wanted it to be really intimate and we felt that we might have trouble speaking honestly and openly if we had more people there.

We started the service with Paul's dad (who is a minister) speaking about Brady and what God's purpose for his life was and how Brady touched so many of us and what he taught us. It was really nice. Next, my sister Jenny read a poem called "When God Calls Little Children". It was really sweet. After the poem, we had everyone write a letter to Brady and then they all read their letters aloud. Everyone had written such wonderfully sweet things to him. We are going to put the letters in a scrap book for Brady, so that we always have them and can read them to him again and again.

Paul's letter was particularly wonderful. He spoke about all the things he had wanted to do with Brady and teach Brady. It was so touching. After Paul read his letter, I spoke. I didn't read my letter because I had written so many letters to Brady already. Instead, I wanted to talk about what Brady had taught me and what I had promised him. He taught me unconditional love, and I promised him that I would show love to my family and friends more because love is the most important thing in life. Brady also taught me not to take life for granted and to find joy in every day. I found so much joy in every day that I spent with Brady while he was in my womb and after he was born, and I will continue to try to find joy in every day from now on because we never know what life is going to throw our way at any moment.

He also taught me to appreciate everything we have. Sometimes we tend to focus on what we don't have and want to get rather than appreciating what we do have, so we need to spend more time enjoying what we do have already. Brady also taught me how to be strong during hardships. Before this situation occurred, I'm sure that I never would have thought I could make it through something like this. But when it's happening, you just find the strength to get through it. This situation has definitely made me stronger personally, and it has made my and Paul's relationship stronger, and I am so thankful for that.

I am eternally grateful to have been chosen to be Brady's mother. At times I feel a little cheated that I never got to meet him and care for him and really feel like a mother, but I am grateful that God took him before he could feel any pain. I care much more about Brady not feeling any pain than my selfish wishes, so I am at peace with how everything happened.

I then read a poem sent to me by a woman I have been in contact with from the Trisomy 13 website that was absolutely perfect and beautiful. After that, we walked to Brady's grave site and Paul's dad said some closing words. Each of us then released a balloon for Brady. It was really nice and turned out so perfectly.

Of course, the entire service I was crying so much, but it was a good cry and not a devastating cry. I felt like I got some really good closure from the service and I feel really at peace with it. I can now focus on putting together Brady's scrap book and finding places to put all of these wonderful plants that you all have sent us, so that we can keep them around the house to remind us of Brady every day.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. We truly appreciate everything you all have done for us. We feel so incredibly fortunate to have such wonderful family and friends because we know that you all will help us get through the tough times and celebrate the good times.

We videotaped the entire service for 2 reasons. One is because my Mom and Dad weren't able to make it to the service because my Dad had to go to the hospital yesterday morning because of leg weakness, so we wanted to make sure they got to see the service. Please pray for my Dad that the doctors can figure out what is wrong and he can get the treatment he needs to get better. The second reason is so that we could share the burial service with all of you, since we didn't have you participate in person. We will send out a link to the video once we've put it together, but here is a web album of all the pictures we have taken:

https://picasaweb.google.com/kristie.mcclintock/BradySBirth?authkey=Gv1sRgCO6djafwtKaz1wE&feat=directlink

Love you all.