Wishing this was easier

Every week, Monday is hard. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Brady was buried on a Monday. Maybe it's because I'm getting back into the work week and I'm working from home alone with not many distractions. I just don't know, but it just seems to be the pattern. Then each day seems to get a little better, but today has been a step back. I am having such trouble dealing with this still.

Of course, I'm still grieving Brady and miss him so much. But I'm also thinking about the future and starting to try to conceive again, and that's bringing up feelings of anxiety because the process was so difficult the first time. But we really want to try again right away because we want a child so badly, so we don't want to wait. I know I went through this anxiety last time we were trying, but it seems worse this time, and I think it's because I'm more vulnerable because I'm still grieving Brady, so I'm not able to combat the anxiety as much as I could before.

I think I'm also having feelings of worthlessness. My responsibilities in my job just don't seem that important, which is hard to deal with because I've been working on the same project team for so long and I used to feel a lot more important than I do now. But I was fine with this transition when I had motherhood to look forward to. Now I don't have a child to take care of, so I'm feel unimportant at work and at home. Apparently, feeling needed and important seems to be really crucial to my wellbeing. I'm just realizing this today, and it just adds to all the feelings I've been experiencing over the past several weeks.

This past Monday, Paul and I went to visit Brady's grave because they finally got his marker installed. It was really nice to go see him, even though I talk to him every night. Paul read another chapter from the book he was reading to Brady before he was born. It was really special, but also really hard and emotional.

My emotions also go berserk when I talk to or see friends with babies or who are pregnant. I want to be happy for them so badly, and I am happy for them, but it also hurts my heart because they have what I want. So I put myself through the ringer, so that I can spend time with these friends because I want to spend time with them and hear about their babies because my friends mean the world to me, but it's still hard and I never know how hard it's going to be until I put myself through it because I feel different each time.

One of the hardest things about this is the unknown. Will we ever get to have a baby? How much will we be able to fight to have one until we decide to stop trying and try to adopt instead? When I was going through IVF in the Spring, I didn't think I'd be able to go through it more than a few times because it's so emotional, but I know I won't be able to make that decision until we are actually in the situation. We have 3 frozen embryos, so if we aren't able to get pregnant naturally, we can transfer those, if they thaw without any issues, and not all of them will most likely. And if those don't work, we have to decide if we're going to go through the whole process again.

I just want to be pregnant again :( To have that connection again. In my first trimester, I complained about the nausea and exhaustion, but once we found out about Brady's condition, I tried to cherish every day with him. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, I miss it more than I imagined I could because I don't have that connection to him anymore. If he was here with me and I could hold him in my arms, I wouldn't miss the pregnancy, but since that was my only connection to him, I really miss it.

I want more than anything to be a mother of a living child - I know I will always be Brady's mother but it's so hard to feel like a mother without a child to take care of. I am so ready to give this unbelievable amount of love that I have in my heart to a child and to give all of myself to take care of a child. I should have been granted this gift in a month and a half when Brady was due, but now I don't know when I it will be granted to me, and that is the hardest part. I am not a patient person, and this is definitely the hardest test of patience I've ever had to go through.

Every day I pray for the strength and patience to get through this grieving and waiting period without too much sadness and anxiety. I just hope it gets better and not worse...only time will tell.