12 weeks along - Happy birthday to me!

Today I am 12 weeks along, so only 1 week more until the first trimester is officially over.  But I feel really confident that Bean is just fine.  The only thing I'm waiting for is for the nausea to completely go away, and it seems to be subsiding this week.  Acid reflux has gotten a little worse, but that's better than nausea!  Now I'm just waiting for the hunger to start to subside too.  But overall, I feel really good.  My energy seems to be returning to normal and I don't seem to need 9 hours of sleep anymore, which is really nice.

I have been finding Bean's heartbeat every afternoon but not in the morning.  I'm thinking that maybe she is a morning baby and likes to wiggle around a lot making it hard to find her heartbeat.  Then in the afternoon she is sleeping, so I can find it more easily.  That's my theory but who knows if that's right :)  And yes, I am now referring to Bean as a "she".  I checked the Chinese calendar predictor (which correctly predicted Brady to be a boy) and it said that Bean is a girl, so I figured I might as well start referring to her as a girl until the ultrasound confirms.  Either way, we don't care what sex Bean is, we just want her to be healthy.  And I am feeling really confident that Bean is healthy.  I don't have any weird feelings like I did with Brady, so I'm happy about that.

At this point, I feel like I am definitely showing much more than I was with Brady at the same point.  I'm only measuring about 1/2" more than last time, but it seems like it's sticking out a lot more, so maybe I had gained more fat last time since I wasn't eating as healthy as I am this time :)  A couple of days ago, I weighed 138 lbs, which meant I had gained 4 lbs, which is good.  But today I weighed only 136 lbs!  Not sure how I lost 2 lbs in 2 days, but I'll take it!  As long as Bean is growing and has enough nutrients, I'm happy.  It was pretty tough to lose all that extra weight after Brady, so I'd prefer to keep the additional weight gain to a minimum, if possible.

I'm pretty much eating whatever I want, but luckily I'm mainly desiring only mostly healthy foods.  I'm not craving fried or other fatty foods.  The only thing I'm starting to crave are desserts - ice cream in particular.  That happened last time too.  For some reason, I really want ice cream - other desserts just aren't as appealing.  But I really don't want to eat ice cream every day, so I have been eating fudgecicles and they seem to be appeasing me thankfully.  Hopefully they continue to work, so I can just eat ice cream occasionally and not all the time.  With Brady I ate ice cream a lot, especially in the second trimester, and I really don't want to go back to that.  I've never been much of a dessert person, so I'd rather not develop a sweet tooth.

Today I opened my birthday present from my parents.  I asked them to buy me something off the registry for Bean because I really don't need anything for myself and there is so much to get for Bean!  They bought me the Ergo baby carrier - so excited!!!  I'm so happy to get my first present for Bean.  I haven't even gotten her anything yet, but I really want to, so I'll have to get something soon.

My next OB appointment is in a week and a half, but I don't expect to learn anything there.  Since I check Bean's heartbeat every day and my blood pressure every few days, there really shouldn't be any surprises at my appointments.  The next time we really get to learn something is at our mid pregnancy ultrasound, which should be in early April.  I'm planning on making the appointment for that during my next OB appt.  I want to make sure I get in there as soon as possible!

I occasionally look back at my daily journal from Brady's pregnancy and notice that I was pretty emotional during it.  I definitely seem to be doing much better this pregnancy.  I am much more positive and happy.  I really haven't cried much - I didn't even get that upset when I couldn't find Bean's heartbeat that one day last week.  I feel so much more at peace with this pregnancy, and I attribute that to Brady's influence on me.  I love him so much and I'm so thankful for having him in my life.  He truly was a gift from God and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  Of course I would prefer to have him with me instead of in heaven, but then he wouldn't have had the impact that he did, so I know that God took him for a good reason and he is waiting for me in heaven.  I know he's watching over Bean and making sure she is okay.

Below is my baby bump picture that I took today.  It's definitely bigger than last time at 12 weeks.

Bean's heartbeat

As I mentioned in my last post, I decided to rent the heartbeat monitor again.  I received it in the mail last Thursday and tried it right away, but I wasn't able to find Bean's heartbeat.  I knew that he was probably too small and too far down in my uterus, but it was still disappointing.  I tried again on Sunday, but no luck.  So today I decided to try again because I feel like I've gotten a little bigger, so I was hoping that Bean was having a growth spurt and causing my uterus to start to move up in my body (once it gets too big, it starts moving up because it doesn't have room between the pelvic bones - sorry if this is too graphic :)).  The instructions for the monitor also say that a full bladder may help find the heartbeat, so I decided to try that.  I didn't think I would find it this time, but I did!!!  I kept losing track of it, but I definitely found it a few times, which was so awesome.

I feel so good now about things.  It's not that I was necessarily doubting the Bean was okay.  Most of the time I still believe that Bean is our gift from God and that he is definitely healthy and going to be born okay.  But sometimes I do get these feelings of uncertainty that maybe that's not the case.  I have been trying to combat these feelings, and Paul has been so great about helping me with that because he isn't having any doubts - he absolutely knows that Bean is going to be born okay - so that has helped reinforced that belief with me.  But it's still so nice to hear Bean's heartbeat for additional reassurance.  I guess it's just the natural worrying that all mothers have.  I also really like hearing the heartbeat because it makes me feel closer to Bean since I can't feel him/her yet, which I can't wait for!

I am so looking forward to the mid pregnancy ultrasound where we can find out the sex.  That will be so exciting.  And it will also be nice to get more reassurance of Bean's health at that point.  We have a bit of a wait on that though - about 2 months, so I'll have to be patient.  Right now I'm just looking forward to the end of next week when I'm anticipating feeling better because next Thursday is when I am 12 weeks, and that's the time when I started feeling better last time.  That would be a nice birthday present.

I was looking in the mirror tonight and I swear I think I'm almost as big as I was at 6 months with Brady!  I may be over-exaggerating a bit, but not by much!  I'm going to do some measurements at the end of this week to see, but as of last week, I had already gained almost 3 inches.  But I've only gained around 3.5 pounds, so that's good.  I guess everything is just already stretched out, so it's not much weight, just volume, however that works.

Anyway, I'm super excited to hear Bean's heartbeat and to be getting further along.  A little over 2 weeks until I'm done with the first trimester and the blissful second trimester starts.  I'm looking forward to not feeling sick anymore and not being so hungry.  It's ridiculous how much I eat and how hungry I still am even when I feel like I've eaten a lot.  It's so weird how different it feels to eat when pregnant than not pregnant.  I have to eat more slowly and I feel full fast, but then the full feeling goes away quickly and I'm starving again.  And I know it's not because something is pushing on my stomach because I'm not big enough for that yet, so it must be hormonal or something.  It's almost like I need to eat constantly.  I love food - if you don't know me, I really love food - but eating constantly gets annoying, believe me.  So it's not as fun as it sounds.

But I can't complain.  As long as Bean is healthy, I'm happy.  I feel blessed that my nausea is under control for the most part, so I'm not throwing up and I can still eat.  I am so fortunate that I work from home and can have easy access to whatever food I want and I can take a nap if needed (which I haven't needed to do this time as long as I get 9 hours of sleep at night).  I am too tired to exercise usually, so I'm trying to exercise lightly just twice a week at this point.  Hopefully I'll be able to increase that in the second trimester when I'm not so tired and hungry.  I just want to keep up the exercise to stay healthy and not gain too much weight because losing all that weight afterwards is no fun.  But exercise also will help with the labor process apparently, so I definitely want that.

I feel very blessed that this pregnancy is going well so far and I will try to continue feeling positive that it will continue to go well and believe that Bean is healthy.  That's all I want - to see a healthy baby in September.  We can't wait!! :)

Bean is a wiggler!

On Monday (2/7/2011), we had our first OB appointment.  My blood pressure was a little high (135/85), but I had taken it at home before the appointment and it was normal then, so I brought my blood pressure monitor with me to the appointment and took it after the nurse took it and it was similar, so it looks like I was just anxious or something.  So that's a really great sign that my blood pressure is still normal every day.  My doctor said that I should continue to take it the same time every day and look for changes in it.

We talked to the doctor about the various screening and diagnostic tests we could do for Bean to determine any chromosomal problems.  The "First Screen" is a screening test they do between weeks 11-14 and really only gives you a set of odds one way or another regarding the likelihood of the baby having an issue.  Because Brady had T-13, we now have a 1% chance of having another baby with a chromosome problem (Downs, T-18, T-13) instead of 1/2%, so she said that she would recommend we go straight to a diagnostic test and skip the screening test if we are interested in doing anything.  The diagnostic test in the first trimester is a CVS test, which involves taking a biopsy of the placenta and has a small risk of miscarriage.  Paul and I decided we aren't going to do anything that has any risk of miscarriage, so we are just going to have faith that God has blessed us with a healthy baby this time.

The doctor did an ultrasound, so we got to see Bean again!  He was wiggling around a bunch - it was so cute!!  This time he had short legs and arms, instead of just arm buds.  Since the doctor was using an older machine in the exam room instead of one of the high tech machines, we didn't get any pictures this time, so we'll have to wait until the mid-pregnancy ultrasound to see him again.  Such a long wait!

I decided to rent a heartbeat monitor again.  I didn't think I would want to, but I really don't like surprises, which I got a lot of each time I went to the doctor with Brady, so I want to be able to hear Bean's heartbeat every day.  Plus, when I used to listen to Brady's heartbeat, it made me feel like I had a closer connection to him, which I really liked.  So I want that same connection with Bean.  I get the monitor on Friday, so hopefully Bean will be big enough at that point for me to be able to hear his heartbeat with the monitor.  My doctor said that their monitors can typically pick it up around 10 weeks, so I'm hoping the one I rent is just as good.  We shall see.

I've gotten much more exhausted this week.  I need at least 9 hours of sleep each night and I'm still tired.  I'm also still very hungry and eat a ton.  I feel like I'm already showing a lot, although to someone who doesn't know me, I probably just look fat at this point :)  But that's ok with me.  I can't wear my old jeans anymore, so I'm wearing the jeans and pants I wore when I was trying to lose weight after having Brady.  I'm not quite big enough for the maternity pants yet, but I'm looking forward to the day that I am big enough for them because they are so comfortable!

At this point, I'm about 137 lbs and 34.75", so I've gained about 3 lbs and 2-3".  And I'm only 10 weeks tomorrow!  Craziness.  I guess my body was already so used to being pregnant that it decided to stretch out early.  Hopefully that means it will slow down at some point or else I'm going to be huge!  LOL!

Bean's First Pictures and Heartbeat

Last Wednesday, I had some spotting and it freaked me out. I knew that it really wasn't an indication that anything was wrong because spotting in the first trimester is very common, but it's been so hard to wait to see if Bean has a heartbeat and is healthy, so this put me over the edge. My first OB appt is Feb. 7, which isn't until I'm 9 1/2 weeks, and I was trying so hard to be optimistic that Bean really is our gift from God. But with my emotions running wild, it's been hard to stay positive, especially because I feel so connected and so in love with Bean already.

After the spotting, I called the doctor and made an ultrasound appt for Thursday morning, so that we could check on Bean and make sure everything is okay. On Thursday morning (1/27), we went to UNC hospital to get the ultrasound. I was doing a pretty good job of not being nervous, but once the ultrasound started, I started getting a little anxious. The ultrasound technician first checked on my ovaries and looked around my uterus, and then she finally got to Bean! Bean's heartbeat was perfectly strong and she/he measured 7 weeks and 6 days, which is 1 day off from how far along I am based on the first day of my last period. Since it's pretty accurate, they are going to keep the due date at September 8.

We were so happy and excited! The ultrasound tech put the pictures of Bean on a CD for us, so I attached one of them here (I think he/she is facing away from us and there is a little arm bud sticking up). We also got to record the heartbeat. Such a great sound!

Bean's heartbeat: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/87320/Beanbeat.amr

My nausea has been significantly worse this time. I am taking 5 Zofran per day instead of just 2, and I still feel pretty bad most of the morning. I am also ridiculously starving. I get hungry every 2 hours, at a minimum. It's crazy! It's especially bad in the morning, and it definitely got worse over this past weekend. Today (Monday 1/31), from 6AM until noon, I ate a banana, a bagel, an apple, a bowl of cereal, and a turkey sandwich! That is a lot of food.

I'm taking this increase in hunger and sickness as a sign that Bean is super healthy. I need to remember to continue focusing on our goal of having a healthy baby. I'm going to try my best to rid myself of any negative or anxious thoughts that creep into my head. I know we deserve this baby and we are so excited to meet him/her! Sometimes it feel surreal that I am pregnant again. I just feel so blessed and I'm trying hard to enjoy my time with the baby, even if I don't feel good right now :) I'm just so happy to be feeling bad, but I do look forward to feeling better in the second trimester. Only 4.5 weeks until then!

I think Bean likes a lot of space because I'm already having to keep my pants unbuttoned! Here's the most recent pic at 8.5 weeks:

A Blessing

The holidays were really great. I wasn't sad like I thought I might be. My parents, sister, and brother-in-law were in town for Christmas and we all went to visit Brady's grave together on Christmas day. It was really nice. I took a pregnancy test on Christmas morning to see if God had granted us a wonderful Christmas gift, but it was negative. I still had a positive outlook though because I figured it might just be too early. And I was right :) On New Years Eve morning, I was a day late, so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! What a wonderful way to start the new year!

We truly believe that this is a blessing from God and that this baby will be healthy. I have already gotten many of the same symptoms I got last time, like nausea and intense hunger, so it looks like the baby is on the right track to developing. The books say that these symptoms indicate that a baby is healthy. Well, we all saw that wasn't the case with Brady, but I believe that the symptoms indicate that the baby is going to hold on and not miscarry. So, based on that belief, this baby is going to hold on. And since I believe that God is showing mercy on us and blessing us with a baby so soon, I don't believe that he would put us through another situation in which our baby is unhealthy. So I will remain optimistic that this baby is healthy and will develop correctly (although I'm sure I will be nervous when it's time to have that mid-pregnancy ultrasound!). We are just SUPER excited!!!

This baby's name is Bean (until we know the sex and give him/her a real name, of course) :) We call him/her Little Bean, Baby Bean, Magic Bean, Beanie Baby - but Magic Bean most of the time. I am already showing a little bit - I guess my body easily remembers stretching out before, so it's already making changes. My 4 week and 6 week bump pictures are below. I can't wait until the first ultrasound! It's not scheduled yet because I have to talk with a nurse first, which is tomorrow. But I will post the results once I get to go! Stay tuned...

Baby Bump - 4 weeks

Baby Bump - 6 weeks (bump seems higher, but not bigger)

Brady's Due Date

Today is Brady's due date, and yesterday was 3 months from when he was born. I have been wondering how I would feel today, and it's actually been a good day. I feel very at peace with the situation. Paul and I are going to go visit Brady tomorrow and read another chapter or 2 from the book. It will be really nice to visit him again, but I know it will be emotional. I still talk to him every night before I go to bed and thank him for being such a blessing in my life. 2010 really was a great year because I got to have Brady. Even though the pregnancy didn't end like I would have wanted, I am so thankful that I had him in my life. I wouldn't change anything we did at all.

We are now trying to get pregnant again, and we are looking forward to another pregnancy. We are hoping it happens quickly, but only God knows when it will happen, so we will just enjoy trying and hope for the best. I know it might be an emotional and tough process, but I think I am actually handling it a lot better this time around, so I'm thankful for that and I attribute that to Brady's influence on me. He has been so good for me in so many ways. What a little miracle :)

I am really looking forward to the Christmas holiday. I actually don't think it will be upsetting like I was originally afraid of. Brady has 2 ornaments, one from me and Paul and one from Elise, which is super sweet. We will be getting him a stocking too. I think it will be really nice to think about him on Christmas and be thankful that we knew him.

An Epiphany

I am currently reading, and almost finished with, a book called Broken Open that someone so thoughtfully loaned me. It's a book about using the hard times in your life to open yourself to change and connect with your soul. Throughout reading the book, the author has helped me to understand the feelings I am going through and to continue to move forward with the changes I have started. It has been very enlightening, especially this morning when I had a bit of an epiphany.

The author spoke about her resistance to change and how she is finally able to find peace when she stops resisting a certain change she is going through and instead embraces and accepts it. She says that even though she has gone through the "Phoenix Process" many times (which is the process of being broken open by some event or circumstance), she is still resistant when another one comes upon her, and she isn't able to move forward and find a way to be happy with the change until she recognizes it and stops fighting it. She says that we all experience death throughout our lives as little deaths - things that are coming to an end in our lives. She encourages the reader to analyze what is currently dying in our life right now and to address it as a Phoenix Process.

So, this morning, as I was reading about her experience with changes brought on by menopause, I realized that I have been fighting the death of my childhood innocence. I grew up pretty sheltered. I was very happy and didn't go through a lot of hard experiences. I always thought I could do everything and have everything I wanted. That mindset continued in college and through my 20s. However, when I hit 30, something changed. I began to understand my and other's mortality, as I think many people start to do in their 30s, and I started doubting my ability to get everything I want and losing confidence in myself. This has upset me because I thought we were supposed to get more confident as we get older and wiser!

But now I realize that I have always been confident because of my childhood innocence. Now my childhood innocence is dying, and I'm realizing all of the depression and hard experiences that people have to go through in life. I have been fighting this death because I like my innocence (because it makes me happy), but I realized this morning that its death is inevitable, and it will probably make me a better mother to my future children if I accept it and learn from it and choose to be happy in life despite all of the tragedies that occur. I need to be aware of all that life can bring, both the unbelievable joy and the unrelenting sadness, so that I can have a more rich and joyful life and so I can help my kids with whatever they may encounter.

It's hard to really find joy when you haven't also encountered sadness. As many people know, there is great value in opposites (poor and rich, happy and sad) because it's very difficult to truly appreciate and value the good things in life without experiencing some of the bad things. The author encourages us to live life open to all experiences, to accept that things are going to change and sometimes in ways we don't want, and that it's not about what we want to accomplish or gain in life that is important, rather it's about just living life as it comes and finding the joy in the unknown and unexpected changes and loving our family and friends.

These lessons are completely against my nature of planning and goal setting and wanting control. But I can't control life. I can control some things, but I can't control everything, especially what happened with Brady and what will happen with trying to have kids. So I will try to remember each day to let life come as it will, to enjoy what I do have and have faith that I will get what I want eventually. I know deep down that Paul and I will have kids one day. I can feel it. Sometimes the feeling is so strong I am amazed by it. The only thing I don't know, and that I can't control, is how we get those kids. So I will trust in God to lead me down the right path and eventually we will have children. In the meantime, we will enjoy what we have already, because one of the things I can control is how I view the world and my life and how I react to every experience I have.