Bump Watch - 3/28/2011

Today I am 16.5 weeks along.  I am measuring 1" bigger than I was at this point with Brady, so that's a really good sign, and I don't think it's because I'm already stretched out.  I truly believe it's because Bean is growing like he should be.  At my 18.5 week ultrasound with Brady, he was already behind in size, measuring only 16-17 weeks along.  I am very hopeful that Bean is healthy and is doing well, but I am still having trouble being truly optimistic and not anxious.

This weekend was really great because my parents are in town, so I was occupied a lot.  I didn't get upset at all or really think about the ultrasound too much.  Now that I'm back at work, I've already cried and gotten upset and I'm thinking about it more.  Work just doesn't seem to preoccupy me like spending time with friends and family does.  So I'm trying to take the approach I did when I found out about Brady.  I am going to try to find something to look forward to each day and just focus on that one day.  This weather makes that a bit harder to do, but I'll have to find something :)

All I really want to do is curl up with a book and read and take naps.  I'm not feeling motivated about my work like I was over a week ago before I got anxious.  It makes it really hard to get things accomplished, which totally sucks.  But I'm going to try my best to just bear down and do my work.  I really just want to go somewhere tropical for the next week and a half :)  My ultrasound is next Thursday - April 7.  It's not that far away, yet it seems like an eternity.  Funny how time is such a fixed measure yet can feel variable depending on the situation.  Funny or cruel - depending on the situation :)  Feeling a bit cruel at the moment.

I wish I could just convince myself that everything is okay and there's nothing to worry about!  This subconscious worrying totally sucks.  Ok, time to pull myself out of the pity party and take control of my feelings.  Wish me luck!

Here's my most recent belly picture.  I feel like I look bigger than I did at Brady's birth but I'm carrying lower at this point.  I'm interested to see if Bean moves up once he gets bigger.

A hormonal mess

This week has not been as bad as Sunday in regards to my emotional well-being, but I have definitely been more on edge and more emotional.  I easily get pissed off or cry.  I mean really easily.  Silly things that don't usually bother me are really setting me off.  It really sucks.  I find myself wondering if it's the hormones or if I am beginning to subconsciously worry about Bean's health.  I am now 2 weeks away from my 18 week ultrasound where we will find out about his health and maybe I am starting to get nervous about it.  I know that if he has any issues, we can handle it, but it's still so scary and upsetting.  It's not something I want to go through again.  Even though I am grateful for having Brady and how it changed me for the better, I really don't want to go through such a difficult situation again.  It was just so hard.  I know we could get through it, but I just don't want to have to :)  I know I will have more hard times in my life, but having another one so soon would be difficult to handle.

For a while I have been so sure that Bean is healthy, but lately I have had little doubts creep in sometimes.  I am trying my best to fight those doubts because they don't do any good.  I'm trying so hard to just enjoy every minute I have with Bean and not think about the future.  I am excited about the ultrasound because I can't wait to see him again and I can't wait to find out the sex.  But I'm trying not to be too excited about it because I want to just live in the moment.

I pray that I have the strength to fight these emotions and be happy and enjoy life without worrying.  Please pray for me that I have that strength and please pray for Bean's health.  I love him so much already and I really want to end up with a healthy baby this time.

An interesting weekend

Today I am 15.5 weeks along and getting closer to my 18 week ultrasound!  I'm really trying to just live in the moment and not think about the future too much, but I am getting really excited to find out Bean's gender.  I was wondering if I would start feeling anxious about the ultrasound as it got closer because of nervousness about his health, but so far I haven't felt anxious about it at all.

Maybe I really am that sure that Bean is healthy and will be fine.  On the surface I know I feel that way, but sometimes you don't know your true feelings that are deep down in your subconscious.  For example, I recently found out that someone I know is pregnant.  I was excited for her, but I also felt a weird feeling of what? anxiety? sadness? I'm not sure, but it really unnerved me.  I should be excited for anyone who gets pregnant, and I shouldn't feel jealous or upset because I am pregnant.  So I tried to figure it out and I think that deep down maybe I am still afraid that something bad will happen to Bean and I won't end up with a child.  What's weird is that I know several people who are pregnant right now, but I didn't get the upsetting feeling when I found out about all of them, only when I found out about a couple of them.  So, who knows what's going on.

This past weekend we were in Charleston for a wedding.  We actually went to Charleston on Wednesday for the combined bachelor/bachelorette party, which included a LOT of drinking (not me obviously), a limo, and several bars.  My usual bedtime is around 10:00, so I wasn't sure how long I would make it because the limo picked us up at 9:00, but I put on my game face because I wanted to be there for our friends.  The night started out well.  Everyone was drinking and having fun, but things weren't out of control.  I made it to 3 bars before I went back into the limo to fall asleep around midnight.  At 2:00, everyone got back into the limo completely wasted and that's when it got interesting.

Soon after starting the ride back to our friends' house, the girl sitting next to me threw up out of nowhere.  Unfortunately, it splashed on me because it took her by surprise, so she didn't have anything to puke in.  Fortunately, my back was mostly to her, so it got on my back and not my front.  Later on in the ride, the same girl started throwing up again and even more this time.  It was awful.  It didn't get on me anymore, but being sober, it wasn't too fun.  Once we got back to our friends' house, I booked it back to the hotel without Paul (he wanted to stay to get something to eat, which was fine with me because I didn't really want to sleep with wasted Paul anyway).  When I got back to the hotel, I had to wash my jacket and jeans in the hotel room bathtub so that the RED puke wouldn't stain them.  This was at 3:00 in the morning.  Not fun.  I finally got to sleep at 3:30.  I was not happy.

The next day was much better.  I got to sleep in and rest a lot, which I needed, and the rest of the day was very chill.  The wedding was on Friday.  It was a really nice ceremony and the reception was nice too, but not super fun for me since I couldn't drink and I couldn't really dance much because I kept getting tired :)  On Saturday we drove back home and were so happy to be back.  I absolutely love that I can't wait to come home after a vacation.  I've never felt that way until we moved to Raleigh.  It's awesome!

So, the lesson of the weekend is, bachelorette parties are definitely not fun for me when pregnant, and weddings aren't that fun when I'm pregnant either.  2 more weddings this year, so we'll see how those go.  Thankfully I have a pregnant partner for one of them.  Men are so lucky that women are the ones that have to be pregnant.  We are so much better at sacrificing and not being babies about it.

Yesterday my hormones decided to take over my mind and make me crazy.  So far during this pregnancy, I have actually been in a really good mood and have been really happy.  Yesterday, I went crazy.  I would cry for no reason and couldn't stop.  I would get really pissed off and start yelling (not at anyone, just yelling).  It sucked (for me and Paul :)).  I knew it was the hormones, but I just couldn't shake it.  Thankfully, today I feel much better but I did notice that I still got mad more easily than I normally would.  Hopefully this won't continue!   I can handle it sporadically, but not daily.

At this point, I am measuring about 37" at my belly button.  I am definitely bigger than I was at this point last time.  I'm hoping that means that Bean is growing properly.  When I look back at my blogs last summer, I really wasn't growing very much around this time, and that's probably because Brady was beginning to fall behind in growth.  This time, I am exercising more and eating healthier, yet my belly is bigger, so I'm taking that as a sign that Bean is growing well.

I can't wait to see him in a few weeks!  That ultrasound is just so amazing because you really begin to feel connected with the baby because you can see how real he is.  You see him moving and see his legs, arms, and even his heart.  It's so awesome, I just can't wait.  But in the meantime, I will focus on the here and now and enjoy every day I have with Bean.  I just love him so much already.

Bump update

Today I am 14.5 weeks along and feeling really great.  I have definitely been getting bigger the past few weeks, which is a great sign.  And this time it isn't all fat :)  I thought I was carrying Brady low, but Bean seems to be even lower than Brady was, but that may change as Bean gets bigger.

Yesterday, Paul and I went to Brady's grave to visit him.  Paul read another 2 chapters from the book he was reading him before he passed.  It's so nice to go visit him and spend time with him without any other distractions. The other day I was thinking about how all of these events are all so inter-connected.  If Brady hadn't passed when he did, Bean wouldn't have been conceived.  It's amazing to think about God's plan for me and Paul, for Brady, and for Bean.  I know that God has something special planned for Bean because he was conceived so quickly after Brady passed.  I'm so excited to meet Bean, but I'm also really enjoying the pregnancy this time.  The first trimester was rough, but I still enjoyed it, and now that I'm feeling so much better I am really enjoying it a lot.  It feels really nice to feel that way.  I feel very blessed.

Here is my most recent bump picture from today:

Bean update

Yesterday I had my OB appointment.  I am currently 13.5 weeks along, so I am officially in the second trimester and I'm feeling great!  My nausea and food aversions are completely gone, so I can now eat whatever I want, which is so nice.  I'm actually craving salads right now - what a great craving, right?!?!  I'm still feeling pretty tired, but not completely exhausted, so at least it's an improvement.  It's such a weird feeling for me to feel so lazy all the time, but I guess that's good since I need to relax and take it easy for Bean's sake.

My appointment today was pretty uneventful, which I expected.  My blood pressure was the same as last time and I gained 2 lbs since last time.  Based on my scale, I gained about 5 lbs in the first trimester, which is good.  I'm starting to wear maternity pants now.  The only regular pants that really fit anymore are the fat jeans I bought after I had Brady :)  Bean seems to be really low in my uterus, so I think I'll be carrying him low like Brady, which is probably why I'm having to wear maternity pants already.

And yes, you may have noticed that I'm back to referring to Bean as a "him".  My friend told me about a gender predictor test that uses the hormones in your urine to predict the sex.  I decided to take the test just for fun and it said that Bean is boy, so I'm going back to my original feeling on that.  But we won't find out for sure until my 18 week ultrasound, which is in a little over 4 weeks (April 7)!  I can't wait to find out the sex and give Bean a name.  I'm not really worried about Bean's health at this point because I really feel like he is okay, but I'm sure as I get closer to the ultrasound, I will begin to get a little more anxious about it.  We'll see.  I'm hoping these next 4 weeks go by quickly.

This morning I exercised right when I got up for the first time in a while, and it felt great!  I had plenty of energy and I feel really good right now.  I'm so excited about that because I'm always so tired after work, so I really wanted to get back to morning exercise.  It's just such a nice start to the day and I think it will give me more energy overall.

I got some more ultrasound pictures at yesterday's appointment, so here is Bean!

12 weeks along - Happy birthday to me!

Today I am 12 weeks along, so only 1 week more until the first trimester is officially over.  But I feel really confident that Bean is just fine.  The only thing I'm waiting for is for the nausea to completely go away, and it seems to be subsiding this week.  Acid reflux has gotten a little worse, but that's better than nausea!  Now I'm just waiting for the hunger to start to subside too.  But overall, I feel really good.  My energy seems to be returning to normal and I don't seem to need 9 hours of sleep anymore, which is really nice.

I have been finding Bean's heartbeat every afternoon but not in the morning.  I'm thinking that maybe she is a morning baby and likes to wiggle around a lot making it hard to find her heartbeat.  Then in the afternoon she is sleeping, so I can find it more easily.  That's my theory but who knows if that's right :)  And yes, I am now referring to Bean as a "she".  I checked the Chinese calendar predictor (which correctly predicted Brady to be a boy) and it said that Bean is a girl, so I figured I might as well start referring to her as a girl until the ultrasound confirms.  Either way, we don't care what sex Bean is, we just want her to be healthy.  And I am feeling really confident that Bean is healthy.  I don't have any weird feelings like I did with Brady, so I'm happy about that.

At this point, I feel like I am definitely showing much more than I was with Brady at the same point.  I'm only measuring about 1/2" more than last time, but it seems like it's sticking out a lot more, so maybe I had gained more fat last time since I wasn't eating as healthy as I am this time :)  A couple of days ago, I weighed 138 lbs, which meant I had gained 4 lbs, which is good.  But today I weighed only 136 lbs!  Not sure how I lost 2 lbs in 2 days, but I'll take it!  As long as Bean is growing and has enough nutrients, I'm happy.  It was pretty tough to lose all that extra weight after Brady, so I'd prefer to keep the additional weight gain to a minimum, if possible.

I'm pretty much eating whatever I want, but luckily I'm mainly desiring only mostly healthy foods.  I'm not craving fried or other fatty foods.  The only thing I'm starting to crave are desserts - ice cream in particular.  That happened last time too.  For some reason, I really want ice cream - other desserts just aren't as appealing.  But I really don't want to eat ice cream every day, so I have been eating fudgecicles and they seem to be appeasing me thankfully.  Hopefully they continue to work, so I can just eat ice cream occasionally and not all the time.  With Brady I ate ice cream a lot, especially in the second trimester, and I really don't want to go back to that.  I've never been much of a dessert person, so I'd rather not develop a sweet tooth.

Today I opened my birthday present from my parents.  I asked them to buy me something off the registry for Bean because I really don't need anything for myself and there is so much to get for Bean!  They bought me the Ergo baby carrier - so excited!!!  I'm so happy to get my first present for Bean.  I haven't even gotten her anything yet, but I really want to, so I'll have to get something soon.

My next OB appointment is in a week and a half, but I don't expect to learn anything there.  Since I check Bean's heartbeat every day and my blood pressure every few days, there really shouldn't be any surprises at my appointments.  The next time we really get to learn something is at our mid pregnancy ultrasound, which should be in early April.  I'm planning on making the appointment for that during my next OB appt.  I want to make sure I get in there as soon as possible!

I occasionally look back at my daily journal from Brady's pregnancy and notice that I was pretty emotional during it.  I definitely seem to be doing much better this pregnancy.  I am much more positive and happy.  I really haven't cried much - I didn't even get that upset when I couldn't find Bean's heartbeat that one day last week.  I feel so much more at peace with this pregnancy, and I attribute that to Brady's influence on me.  I love him so much and I'm so thankful for having him in my life.  He truly was a gift from God and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  Of course I would prefer to have him with me instead of in heaven, but then he wouldn't have had the impact that he did, so I know that God took him for a good reason and he is waiting for me in heaven.  I know he's watching over Bean and making sure she is okay.

Below is my baby bump picture that I took today.  It's definitely bigger than last time at 12 weeks.

Bean's heartbeat

As I mentioned in my last post, I decided to rent the heartbeat monitor again.  I received it in the mail last Thursday and tried it right away, but I wasn't able to find Bean's heartbeat.  I knew that he was probably too small and too far down in my uterus, but it was still disappointing.  I tried again on Sunday, but no luck.  So today I decided to try again because I feel like I've gotten a little bigger, so I was hoping that Bean was having a growth spurt and causing my uterus to start to move up in my body (once it gets too big, it starts moving up because it doesn't have room between the pelvic bones - sorry if this is too graphic :)).  The instructions for the monitor also say that a full bladder may help find the heartbeat, so I decided to try that.  I didn't think I would find it this time, but I did!!!  I kept losing track of it, but I definitely found it a few times, which was so awesome.

I feel so good now about things.  It's not that I was necessarily doubting the Bean was okay.  Most of the time I still believe that Bean is our gift from God and that he is definitely healthy and going to be born okay.  But sometimes I do get these feelings of uncertainty that maybe that's not the case.  I have been trying to combat these feelings, and Paul has been so great about helping me with that because he isn't having any doubts - he absolutely knows that Bean is going to be born okay - so that has helped reinforced that belief with me.  But it's still so nice to hear Bean's heartbeat for additional reassurance.  I guess it's just the natural worrying that all mothers have.  I also really like hearing the heartbeat because it makes me feel closer to Bean since I can't feel him/her yet, which I can't wait for!

I am so looking forward to the mid pregnancy ultrasound where we can find out the sex.  That will be so exciting.  And it will also be nice to get more reassurance of Bean's health at that point.  We have a bit of a wait on that though - about 2 months, so I'll have to be patient.  Right now I'm just looking forward to the end of next week when I'm anticipating feeling better because next Thursday is when I am 12 weeks, and that's the time when I started feeling better last time.  That would be a nice birthday present.

I was looking in the mirror tonight and I swear I think I'm almost as big as I was at 6 months with Brady!  I may be over-exaggerating a bit, but not by much!  I'm going to do some measurements at the end of this week to see, but as of last week, I had already gained almost 3 inches.  But I've only gained around 3.5 pounds, so that's good.  I guess everything is just already stretched out, so it's not much weight, just volume, however that works.

Anyway, I'm super excited to hear Bean's heartbeat and to be getting further along.  A little over 2 weeks until I'm done with the first trimester and the blissful second trimester starts.  I'm looking forward to not feeling sick anymore and not being so hungry.  It's ridiculous how much I eat and how hungry I still am even when I feel like I've eaten a lot.  It's so weird how different it feels to eat when pregnant than not pregnant.  I have to eat more slowly and I feel full fast, but then the full feeling goes away quickly and I'm starving again.  And I know it's not because something is pushing on my stomach because I'm not big enough for that yet, so it must be hormonal or something.  It's almost like I need to eat constantly.  I love food - if you don't know me, I really love food - but eating constantly gets annoying, believe me.  So it's not as fun as it sounds.

But I can't complain.  As long as Bean is healthy, I'm happy.  I feel blessed that my nausea is under control for the most part, so I'm not throwing up and I can still eat.  I am so fortunate that I work from home and can have easy access to whatever food I want and I can take a nap if needed (which I haven't needed to do this time as long as I get 9 hours of sleep at night).  I am too tired to exercise usually, so I'm trying to exercise lightly just twice a week at this point.  Hopefully I'll be able to increase that in the second trimester when I'm not so tired and hungry.  I just want to keep up the exercise to stay healthy and not gain too much weight because losing all that weight afterwards is no fun.  But exercise also will help with the labor process apparently, so I definitely want that.

I feel very blessed that this pregnancy is going well so far and I will try to continue feeling positive that it will continue to go well and believe that Bean is healthy.  That's all I want - to see a healthy baby in September.  We can't wait!! :)